Wednesday, March 10, 2010

5 Things to NOT post on Starcraft 2 Beta Forums™



1) "This game sucks because I lost to a rush!"

Ok, this probably the single most retarded thing you will ever read on a Beta Forum. Listen, if you're new to a RTS and you die to a rush in the minor leagues it is not because the game is bad or unbalanced. It has way more to do with you are either a) a complete moron or b) still too new to the game to actually counter the rushes effectively. If you make the mistake of posting this on the Beta forum you will be met with the following responses;

i.) Maybe you're just a terrible player and that is why you lost.
ii.) LOL WTF PWNED LOSER
iii.) *Insert wall of text about how the game will eventually reach greater and greater diversity in strategies and you too as a player will eventually evolve and be able to counter early rushes.
iv.) LOL THIS IS BETA HAHAH STUPID ITZ NOT FINISHED!!!!!™¡™¡™¡™¡£¡™¡™

Seriously, if you die from a rush just let it go. This is Starcraft with a little race known as zerg...And if anyone knows anything about blizzard games zerg is often the term to detail a mindless rush.

2) Hey guys when does mac beta come out?

Being a mac user myself I would actually like to know the answer to this question but Blizzard is not going to take the time to reply to your 30th WHERZ MAC BETAZ post just because they like you so much. The fact of the matter is that IF they even release the mac beta (as their FAQ states they will) you will probably not get in anyway. So hey, even though the client is out, guess what!!!!! You're still not in the beta.

Post this question on a beta forums and you will get these kinds of replies;

i.) LOL MACS ARE FOR FAGS!
ii.) No one games on macs, HAHAHAHA!
iii.) Go back to WoW loser!
iv.) Dey aint gunna test on macs ROFFLES!

Granted NONE of these responses are on topic all since the only thing that will stop those evil "trendy mac elitists" is more ignorant asshole elitism. Hi5 people on the internet! You suck. Listen, Blizzard develops for all computer platforms since they aren't assholes so just learn to deal with it. But still, please don't post this topic ever again, it's terribly moronic to ask this over and over and over and over.

3) Why does *insert race* suck so much???????

This one is pretty amusing as well. Typically when new players who somehow found a beta key in a cracker jack box at the ballpark is playing they will make a post like this. Or it will be post type number 4 which we will get to shortly. I'm not saying that people who are new need to not be invited to the beta since gathering data on these people will be useful for Blizzard to reach more players with their RTS. If the race you play is crappy, it might just be that the other people who are playing are better than you. What? PEOPLE HAVE VARYING SKILL!??!??!?! REALLY?! WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?! I thought that everyone was equally good at games! Maybe that explains all those two button rogues that do sub 2k dps in WoW....hmmm. Perhaps I should do a study.

So here are some responses you will get if you make this post;

i.) LOL what are you talking about?! *RACE* is completely OP! You suck hahaha!
ii.) *More wall text on player skill and blah blah blah similar to what I said above except with a thousand time more seriousness*
iii.) I AGREE THIS RACE IS TOTALLY UNDER POWERED BECAUSE I ALSO SUCK!!!!
iv.) LOL, seriously? Go check out the platinum ranks they are *insert race*.

I assure you that the actual posts you see on this matter will have way more typos and thirty times more grammatical errors.

4) "Why is *insert race* so OP (That's over powered just so you know...)?!

Ok, this is similar to the first one but you get more interesting replies to this kind of thread;

i.) They're not OP, they are actually *insert another massive wall of text blabbing about balancing and how other units are better counters to this race and yadda yadda yadda*.
ii.) (Now this usually occurs as a result of the first post) Are you kidding me *insert previous poster name*? *Insert race* has way better counters than your race does! Seriously if you're going to talk *and another wall of text*.
iii.) LOL maybe you just suck! (Not really on topic, who knows?)
iv.) You need to learn to play before complaining on forumz lulz! (Hey that's sort of the point of this blog post...scary).
v.) Gimme ur beta key loser!

5) Your mamaship is so fat...

This has become a disgustingly popular thread on the Starcraft 2 beta forums. It has become so massive that I fear the stupidity contained within it might actually collapse in on itself causing the core to be crushed and create a black hole that will swallow up the entirety of the internet. I understand that people enjoy making terrible fat jokes in a manner that rivals even the most astute 10 year old on the internet but please for the love of all that is holy just stop! The worst part about the thread is the fact that Blizzard staff went out of their way to post in it. To what end you might ask? Well to escalate the thread to a new legendary level of traffic that will make your eyes bleed of course. Yes Blizzard, I am blaming you for this horrible horrible thread even if you didn't start it.

It would be like me just posting well...Oh I don't know. The statue of liberty for absolutely no reason and everyone cheering it on as if it were some brilliant internet craze!



In honor of the thousands upon millions upon billions upon trillions upon quadrillions of Koreans that play this game I will now translate this entire thread into Korean.

1) GEEEE GEEEE!!!!!
2) PSYU STORMUUUU!!!!
3) OHHHH PLAGUUUUUUUEEEE!!!!
4) WINRUUUUUU BENDERUUUU!!!!!
5) AHHHHH GEEEEE GEEEE GEEEE GEEEE!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!

Can't help but love the kind of enthusiasm that results from this level of focus:




Fantastic!

Anyway, I want to take a moment to shamelessly plug a livestream that I have found rather entertaining as a new shoutcast commentator for specifically the SC2 beta.

http://www.livestream.com/FinalFlight

This is hosted by a player named Final Flight who broadcasts starting at 9pm EST every day showing matches from the entire pantheon of SC2 skill levels. Coppers, Bronze, Silvers, Golds and Platinums go head to head every night on this thread with only slightly inane commentary!






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