Gaming in 4D?!

Miegakure

So, I was loitering on slashdot.org again.  I found this.  Mind == Blown.  Not sure exactly how it works... Even with lots of reading and explanations.  Yeah no.  It's beyond my 3D comprehension.  I'm gonna keep checkin the website to see when the game's actually released.  Could be fun.  Or completely impossibly hard.

How Does I Play Game? Part 2

Moving on from where we last left off(Part 1).  So what were we talking about again?  Oh yeah, Human-Computer Interaction(HCI) and video games.  Well, we're kinda getting away from the HCI part of it.  I'm mainly focusing on the controllers throughout the years.  

This picture was actually used in class

In the first part, I briefly went over some concepts of HCI.  But what is HCI?  By definition(According to Professor Ikehara and the text book),

"HCI is the study of and applications of concepts and methodologies of human factors, psychology and software factors engineering to address ergonomic, cognitive, and social factors in the design and evaluation of human-computer systems." - What Holy Remembers from ICS464

But to put it in simpler terms, it's how we(people) do stuff with the thingy(computer).  And they study that.  Pretty kewl right?  HCI is a pretty large part of computer science.  Good HCI often goes un-noticed.  Why?  Because if the design is done right, you'll be too busy using the software/computer to notice.  And I respect that.  Here's to the hidden heroes.  Do work.

I'm typing as fast as I can!

I was looking to keep it to two parts.  But I found so much fun crap, I'm going to make it 3 parts.  So in part 1, we took a look at some of the tried and true video game controllers.  In part 2, I'll be going over the smorgasbord of random "OTHER" controllers.  What do I mean by "OTHER" controllers?  You'll see.  In our last part, I wanted to take a look at the future of game interaction.  That's got all the cool sci-fi-come-reality devices that are in development.  And I must say, looking at these will make you scream "BRILLIANT!"  But alas, that is the next issue.  For now, enjoy these...  "OTHER" controllers.

5 Things to NOT post on Starcraft 2 Beta Forums™

1) "This game sucks because I lost to a rush!"

Ok, this probably the single most retarded thing you will ever read on a Beta Forum. Listen, if you're new to a RTS and you die to a rush in the minor leagues it is not because the game is bad or unbalanced. It has way more to do with you are either a) a complete moron or b) still too new to the game to actually counter the rushes effectively. If you make the mistake of posting this on the Beta forum you will be met with the following responses;

i.) Maybe you're just a terrible player and that is why you lost.
ii.) LOL WTF PWNED LOSER
iii.) *Insert wall of text about how the game will eventually reach greater and greater diversity in strategies and you too as a player will eventually evolve and be able to counter early rushes.
iv.) LOL THIS IS BETA HAHAH STUPID ITZ NOT FINISHED!!!!!™¡™¡™¡™¡£¡™¡™

Seriously, if you die from a rush just let it go. This is Starcraft with a little race known as zerg...And if anyone knows anything about blizzard games zerg is often the term to detail a mindless rush.

2) Hey guys when does mac beta come out?

Being a mac user myself I would actually like to know the answer to this question but Blizzard is not going to take the time to reply to your 30th WHERZ MAC BETAZ post just because they like you so much. The fact of the matter is that IF they even release the mac beta (as their FAQ states they will) you will probably not get in anyway. So hey, even though the client is out, guess what!!!!! You're still not in the beta.

Post this question on a beta forums and you will get these kinds of replies;

i.) LOL MACS ARE FOR FAGS!
ii.) No one games on macs, HAHAHAHA!
iii.) Go back to WoW loser!
iv.) Dey aint gunna test on macs ROFFLES!

Granted NONE of these responses are on topic all since the only thing that will stop those evil "trendy mac elitists" is more ignorant asshole elitism. Hi5 people on the internet! You suck. Listen, Blizzard develops for all computer platforms since they aren't assholes so just learn to deal with it. But still, please don't post this topic ever again, it's terribly moronic to ask this over and over and over and over.

3) Why does *insert race* suck so much???????

This one is pretty amusing as well. Typically when new players who somehow found a beta key in a cracker jack box at the ballpark is playing they will make a post like this. Or it will be post type number 4 which we will get to shortly. I'm not saying that people who are new need to not be invited to the beta since gathering data on these people will be useful for Blizzard to reach more players with their RTS. If the race you play is crappy, it might just be that the other people who are playing are better than you. What? PEOPLE HAVE VARYING SKILL!??!??!?! REALLY?! WHAAAAAAAT?!?!?! I thought that everyone was equally good at games! Maybe that explains all those two button rogues that do sub 2k dps in WoW....hmmm. Perhaps I should do a study.

So here are some responses you will get if you make this post;

i.) LOL what are you talking about?! *RACE* is completely OP! You suck hahaha!
ii.) *More wall text on player skill and blah blah blah similar to what I said above except with a thousand time more seriousness*
iii.) I AGREE THIS RACE IS TOTALLY UNDER POWERED BECAUSE I ALSO SUCK!!!!
iv.) LOL, seriously? Go check out the platinum ranks they are *insert race*.

I assure you that the actual posts you see on this matter will have way more typos and thirty times more grammatical errors.

4) "Why is *insert race* so OP (That's over powered just so you know...)?!

Ok, this is similar to the first one but you get more interesting replies to this kind of thread;

i.) They're not OP, they are actually *insert another massive wall of text blabbing about balancing and how other units are better counters to this race and yadda yadda yadda*.
ii.) (Now this usually occurs as a result of the first post) Are you kidding me *insert previous poster name*? *Insert race* has way better counters than your race does! Seriously if you're going to talk *and another wall of text*.
iii.) LOL maybe you just suck! (Not really on topic, who knows?)
iv.) You need to learn to play before complaining on forumz lulz! (Hey that's sort of the point of this blog post...scary).
v.) Gimme ur beta key loser!

5) Your mamaship is so fat...

This has become a disgustingly popular thread on the Starcraft 2 beta forums. It has become so massive that I fear the stupidity contained within it might actually collapse in on itself causing the core to be crushed and create a black hole that will swallow up the entirety of the internet. I understand that people enjoy making terrible fat jokes in a manner that rivals even the most astute 10 year old on the internet but please for the love of all that is holy just stop! The worst part about the thread is the fact that Blizzard staff went out of their way to post in it. To what end you might ask? Well to escalate the thread to a new legendary level of traffic that will make your eyes bleed of course. Yes Blizzard, I am blaming you for this horrible horrible thread even if you didn't start it.

It would be like me just posting well...Oh I don't know. The statue of liberty for absolutely no reason and everyone cheering it on as if it were some brilliant internet craze!



In honor of the thousands upon millions upon billions upon trillions upon quadrillions of Koreans that play this game I will now translate this entire thread into Korean.

1) GEEEE GEEEE!!!!!
2) PSYU STORMUUUU!!!!
3) OHHHH PLAGUUUUUUUEEEE!!!!
4) WINRUUUUUU BENDERUUUU!!!!!
5) AHHHHH GEEEEE GEEEE GEEEE GEEEE!!!!!! AHHHHH!!!!!

Can't help but love the kind of enthusiasm that results from this level of focus:



Fantastic!

Anyway, I want to take a moment to shamelessly plug a livestream that I have found rather entertaining as a new shoutcast commentator for specifically the SC2 beta.

http://www.livestream.com/FinalFlight

This is hosted by a player named Final Flight who broadcasts starting at 9pm EST every day showing matches from the entire pantheon of SC2 skill levels. Coppers, Bronze, Silvers, Golds and Platinums go head to head every night on this thread with only slightly inane commentary!

Super Robot Taisen OG Saga Endless Frontier

Super Robot Taisen OG Saga: Endless Frontier

If you’re a fan of anime, big robots, hot ladies, some of whom happen to be robots, and a turn base RPG with a twist, this game is for you. Another gem brought over to the DS by Atlus, and the localization is done really well. The Japanese audio during combat is left intact, if you’re into that. You’ll get to roam about the Endless Frontier, which is several different worlds linked to each other by these Cross Gates, which allow access between them. While exploring a wrecked ship he comes across a sleeping girl and his adventures just take off from there. These strange crystals show up and seem to be destroying parts of the world or controlling people. He and his crew race around the different worlds trying to stop the crystals from spreading.

This game is kind of a traditional rpg with random encounters, and grinding. There is a unique gameplay element though. You’re able to have a total of 7 people throughout the game, including 1 slot for a special unit you’ll find out later on. The first four are the ones you will actually be using in combat, with the latter four being the support you can call on to attack during your turn. All your characters get experience even if they aren’t in the front, so you don’t have to worry about keeping your characters balanced. Each character has several different attacks they will learn as you level up, with their damage/costs differing. You can also use the menu on each character before you attack, and use an item, ability, a special skill, or defend. The primary mechanic here is to rack up as many hits as possible and keep the enemy in the air. If they hit the ground they will revert to blocking (if they were blocking before) or may end up going into forced evasion, in which all your attacks will do no damage. As you fight you will build up a meter that will let your character do a special attack. This Frontier Gauge will fill up faster with air combos as well as support attacks, which cost 5 SP. Your party starts out with 100% COM which lets them attack a maximum of five times per turn. During this turn they can call in a rear character for a support attack for a 5% in the frontier gauge, or switch to the character next in rotation for a 10% boost in the gauge as well as a 30% boost to their COM. Another key thing to figure out is that you can cancel any attack at a certain time and move onto the next for a boost in the frontier gauge. This may be better as well, as some attacks tend to leave the enemies dangerously close to the ground if you don’t time it well.

Here’s an example, as well as an introduction to Kaguya, one of the party members in the game.

Here’s an example of a turn of attacks you can do to keep the enemy in the air.

Haken Browning, a bounty hunter who fancies himself a cowboy. He’s your typical gunslinger guy with a rifle and pistols, and he is built for criticals. Most of his attacks are easy to cancel and he’s good at juggling opponents. I used him throughout the game.

Aschen Brodel is his constant companion, a cyborg who has a party girl mode when she uses her full power. A lot of her attacks are easy to cancel and she does decent damage, but I usually set her as support when I get a full party.

Kaguya Nanbu is a princess from Kagura Amahara, who is on a pilgrimage traveling all the known worlds. Aschen estimated her bust to be 100cm and she is the target of many jokes throughout the game. She can end up being pretty powerful, and she is the best healer in the game.

Suzuka is a shiki-oni princess from Kagura Amahara, and she controls a mecha called Jyaki-GUN-oh via wires from her fans, waving them around as she dances. I usually set her to support as well, as her attacks are a little more difficult to get the hang of. Some of her abilities are helpful though.

The crossover characters are:

Reiji Arisu is a character from the game Namco x Capcom. He is Xiaomu’s partner as part of the Shinra organization from Earth. His fighting style utilizes several guns and swords. He ends up being the strongest attacker if you use Soul later on. Most of his abilities boosts his own combat, but the good ones do eat up a lot of SP.

Xiaomu is a 765 year old sage fox and partner of Reiji from Namco x Capcom. She fights with a cane sword, pistols, and magic. She has the same special as Reiji, and her moveset has a lot of easy juggles. She can do pretty decent damage, but I usually leave her as support because her support attack is almost always a guard breaker.

KOS-MOS hails from Xenosaga. Her version is from episode 3 and she also seems to be infected with the neko virus from Xenosaga Freaks. She comes from the same world as Reiji and Xiamou, but far into the future. Her special attack is insane, and her attacks do a lot of damage. Her abilities are also well laid out, giving herself a guard break, as well as an ability to launch enemies higher after they get hit. Even without Soul she does very good damage.

The final rear slot is always going to be set aside for the mecha you will obtain throughout the game. They will show up in the support line in the normal rotation amongst your rear characters.

The dialogue in the game is hilarious and there will be many boob jokes. The plot is nothing revolutionary but the twist concerning the main character is well done. All in all this game is definitely worth trying out if you want a solid RPG for the DS. I’d rate this game as a solid 8/10. The good news is that the sequel Exceed is out in Japan, and it will have all the original characters and a ton of new characters from familiar series. Hopefully it’ll come to the US as well, otherwise we will have to get Holy to translate every line for us.

How does I play game? Part 1

I've been noticing a lot of ads on gaming websites.  Quite a few of these ads are promoting new "innovative" gaming controllers.  Looking to "MAXIMIZE" your gaming efficiency.

I said right click! Not 2nd from the right click!

These ads seem to pop out at me more, now that I've completed my Human Computer Interaction course.  Hats off to Professor Curtis Ikehara of the University of Hawaii.  He's actually instilled some knowledge into this nub.  There are quite a few rules and theory on how people interact with computers.  Video game controllers are a type of interface for users to interact with the computer/gaming console.  Not to mention every game has its own unique UI.  All of this needs to work together well in order to create a good game.  If you're actually visiting this site, you've probably played a game that made you think "Man this game would be better if the controls weren't so crappy."   Or even "God I can't see anything with this crappy UI."

Please memorize this in the time span of a loading screen. K THX BAI

Time to hit you up with some knowledge FOOs!  So pay attention.  Basically, there are 8 general rules to Human Computer Interaction(HCI).  Our professor and textbook called these the "8 golden rules of HCI."    No these are not like the Buddhist 8 golden rules/ 8 fold path.  Maybe a little bit...  But not really.  They are as follows:

1. Strive for consistency (Try to keep things consistent in appearance and usage)
2. Cater to universal usability (Try to design things for everyone to use.  EVERYONE)
3. Offer informative feedback  (Give good advice to others when critiquing.  Also receive advise and criticism from your peers.)
4. Design dialogues to yield closure (Structure your interface messages with proper beginning, middle and end.)
5. Prevent errors (Can't really clarify this more...)
6. Permit easy reversal of actions (Allow the user to easily reverse any unintended action.  Think UNDO button.)
7. Support internal locus of control (Basically keep the interface similar across multiple versions.  Like how every Nintendo controller will always have an A and B button.)
8. Reduce short-term memory load (Don't make the user memorize small pieces of information that they need to recall later.  Better yet.  Don't force the user to remember anything.)

You might look at these rules and say "Well holy, these seem like common sense."  And they are.  But when you sit down and think about it, not everyone has followed these rules.  And really, some of these rules need to be violated.  For example: "2.  Strive for universal usability"  Lets be real.  It's hard to design a controller for a less than two armed individual.  I mean.  The Wii controller can be used with one arm.  But if you have to use it in anyway other than a remote, it doesn't really work.  Imagine designing a graphical user interface for a blind/severely visually impaired person.  You get the idea.

It's sometimes like this.

I'm breaking this article into two different parts.  WHY!?  Because I need to make it look like we actually put a lot of content up on this site.  Har har har!  But  nawww.  Let me explain it a bit.  From the way I see it, there are two different interfaces in which we(players) interface the games.  One method is through the physical hardware(Game controllers/Keyboards/Mouse/Mind Control Device).  While the other is cognitive(the software/Game UI).  Both hardware and software have their own aspects of HCI.  While completely related, they are also very different.  As such, there exists a lot of content for both.

This is not HCI.

However, the software side differs from game to game, which leads to a retardedly high number of content for me to look at.  The limits of the software UI is based on the creativity of the developer and what is practical.  So I'm going to have to submit to the overwhelming force of software UI and pass on it.

This was me when I was looking for software UI content.

Hardware, on the other hand, has a comparatively lower number of interfaces.  Some of them are very creative and intuitive.  So we're going to stick with hardware in both parts.  This first part will focus primarily on the tried and true controllers that we all know and love.  Part two will delve into the realm of third party and... Uhhh... "unique" controllers.  Yeah I do realize most of you will be looking forward to that.  Just let me butter you up for it.

I'm going to thrown in a SECOND part. Absolutely free.

The hardware aspect of video game HCI is one that must be designed as a one size fits all for any game developed on the system.  Game developers must use the layout of the controller as the basis for how people will interact with their game.  Yes, there are exceptions to that.  We'll see that in part 2 of this segment.  Hardware is relatively more expensive and a lot more permanent.  You can't patch a controller and just add another button through downloads.  Hardware must be manufactured, shipped and sold as is.  Yes, you can argue firmware upgrades.  But the way you use a controller will be the same as when you first purchased it.  The only way to update hardware, is to release a new version.  Which the consumer must go out and purchase a new physical object, at such time they will bitch about how expensive it is.  That being all said and done, lets take a look at some game controllers.

The Joystick

The joystick is probably the most well known game controller.  I actually take that back.  It USED to be the most well known game controller.  You young whipper snappers don't go the arcade any more(Unless you live in Japan.  But that's another story).  For those of you born after 1995, the joystick was one of the very first video game controller interfaces.  If you saw a joystick, and weren't in an airplane, chances are good that it was attached to a video game system.The basic concept of a joystick is as quoted from wikipedia:

"A joystick is an input device consisting of a stick that pivots on a base and reports its angle or direction to the device it is controlling. Joysticks are often used to control video games, and usually have one or more push-buttons whose state can also be read by the computer." - Wikipedia

Probably the most recognized joystick of its time is the Atari 2600 controller.  It was a symbol of video games in the late 70s.  Ahh the simple days.  The controller only had one joystick and one button.  Just one.  And that was enough to fulfil the needs of gamers for many years.

And people still asked what the controls were...

Not to be completely upstaged by the Atari controller, probably the most prolific joystick ever made were found on arcade cabinets.  They are the true joysticks that have lasted for generations.  Always found on those old arcade machines(Yes a few games didn't use it.  I'm just being general here.), these arcade sticks are still in use today.  Where you might ask?  Ask any professional Street Fighter competitor.  The arcade stick is the tool of their trade.  They have tournament grade controllers specifically designed for Street Fighter competitions... HADOUKEN!

Bad Ass Street Fighter Tournaments

For the rest of the gaming population, we have seen the joystick evolve into two variations(Like a pokemon).  The more obvious would be the flight control sticks.  These are joysticks that are meant to help enhance the experience of flight simulator games.  These are still very popular amongst flight sim enthusiasts.  Many of these flight sticks are designed to replicate the general feel of an actual airplane's controls.  Yes.  You will find yourself sitting at your desk screaming "Eagle 20, FOX 2!"  I speak from experience.  

Makes you feel like this

If you own/owned a PS1/PS2/PS3/N64/Gamecube/Wii/Xbox/Xbox360/Dreamcast, you had a joystick on your controller.  No yeah.  You did.  With the exception of the original PS1 controllers, all of the systems above had a joystick in their controller.  I'm sure most of  you get what I'm trying to say, but for the people that need help "getting" things, I'm talking about the analog sticks on the console's controllers.  Yes, those are indeed joysticks.  They have changed a bit in size(you use your thumb rather than the palm of your hand), but they still are joysticks.

Do the red circles make it obvious enough?

Joysticks will probably continue to appear in our controllers in one form or another.  There is just something about the level of control they provide to gamers that keeps it a mainstay in controller interfaces.  It's intuitive, simple and a symbol of gaming culture.  All of which can also be said about our next interface, the "Gamepad."

The Gamepad

Now, when I say controller, I'm most often refering to the gamepad.  What is a gamepad you ask?  Wikipedia to the rescue!

"A gamepad, also known as a joypad, is the most common kind of game controller, held in both hands with thumbs and fingers used to provide input."-Wikipedia

Looking back at how much I just wrote about joysticks.  I'm going to just let a picture explain everything about gamepads.  Much props to Sock Master for putting this chart together.

Click for higher detail.  Or just go to the link above.

Gamepads have basically become the standard at which console games are made.  If you're playing something on the TV, you need a gamepad.  End 'o story.  But lets not forget you PC gaming people out there(and the 12 mac gamers).

The Keyboard and Mouse

Yes, I bundled the keyboard and mouse together.  But lets go through the steps here.  At first, there was the keyboard.  And it worked really well.  Because original computers needed to be a multi-functional device.  It could replace a type-writer for word processing, it also needed to be able to take in all sorts of different input so you can write programs and those programs could do calculations, blah blah blah.  Computers do a lot.  Then some guys at Xerox's Palo Alto Research Center(PARC) refined a prototype device from Stanford's Research Institute and began to integrate it into computer systems, blah blah blah we have the mouse.  Everyone says the mouse is stupid and nobody will use it.  Yadda yadda Apple Macintosh makes the mouse a must use innovation with computers.  Lets get to games.

Proper keyboard and mouse posture

Early PC games were often text based adventures(Because we had no mouse and computer graphics were crap.)  Some games were designed to use the keyboard as a controller to move around a little space ship with the arrow keys.  And the people were happy with that.  Maybe you'd throw in a joystick peripheral every now and then.  But almost everything was done with just a keyboard.  Like most things.

We don't need no stinkin mouse

Jump to the mid-90's.  This little thing tethered to your computer is cool.  You move this little arrow on the screen and you press on it to make a clicky noise.  Bam!  Lucas Arts studio starts making those clicky adventure games.  They become all the rage for gamers.  Gonna throw some nostalgia out there for the old school gamers.  Full Throttle, The DIG, Sam & Max, Day of the Tentacle, Myst, Discworld.  Yup, those were a good time to be a mouse.

Full Throttle.  BAD ASS

I'm going to have to say, it's really hard to write about the keyboard and mouse as a gaming interface.  There's just so much diversity.  They can be used in conjunction with each other, modern FPSs, MMORPGs, and even RTSs(use the hot keys damnit).  They can be used separately, MUDs that are text based adventures that only need the keyboard.  Most casual games are mouse only interfaces(Bejeweled, peggle, Diner Dash, etc.).  Dare I say that the keyboard and mouse are the ultimate interface?  I don't.  It is a very good one though.  As with everything in the computer world, there will be change.  Give it some time.  There's people tinkering and finding new and innovative ways of interfacing with computers.  Actually.  That's what part 2 is for!

This was a lot of typing.

If you actually read through this wall of text and pictures, I congratulate you.  This was just Holy's little introduction to the world of HCI and some of it's history.  In part 2 I'm going after all the goofy devices and interfaces.  But you need to know your roots and understand where these devices got some of their inspiration from.  Hope you learned something.  If you didn't, either you didn't pay attention or you're a NNNNNNEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRDDDDDDDDDD.

Lets Play! UN Squadron

Alright!  It's that time again.  Yup, we gonna play some SNES games again.  This time we got UN Squadron.  Enjoy!

Wier's Short Nostalgia Game Review!

To keep in step with my good pal the Holynub I've decided to provide the world with a short review of one of the first games I ever played on the SNES. (That's the Super Nintendo Entertainment System for you people who are not even as old as my SNES)

This game is probably one of the best most legendary hack and slash games that was ever created.

Yes, you guessed it my friends... Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time

Let us begin!



For some people the Ninja Turtles mean a lot. For most people they mean absolutely nothing. To me they mean hours spent mashing A, B, X and I think Y until finally I won the game. Turtles in Time had one of the most interesting features that I had ever seen in a video game. Multiplayer. I'm not talking about logging into your "internet" with your "google" and playing with your "friends", I am talking about getting physical human beings to sit their ass down next to you in front of your 12 inch television screen that had nail polish on the buttons because your sisters are evil. And it's not just the T.V. that has been vandalized it was the entire console, it had glittery paint all over it like someone unleashed the bedazzler from hell to consume the poor little creature's electronic soul. That's right, back in the early days consoles had souls and we all believed in the Earth Mother, but that's another story for another time (maybe an Illusions of Gaia review...).

The BEST part about the multiplayer was being able to choose from a diverse cast of characters with their own unique personalities. The type of in depth story telling and character development that really makes you feel for your character when his health bar goes down.


I mean look at those unique options! The blue bandanna turtle with DUAL WIELD SWORDS (Leonardo), the orange bandanna turtle with swingy doos (numchuks I think, he's Michelangelo), Donatello the purple bandana staff wielder (and not a pansy caster like most things that use staves these days, he straight up smacked the hell out of people!) and of course the red bandanna tsai wielding emotional nut bar Raphael.

Each one of these characters provides a unique persepective on the story because they each swing a different weapon and are a different color. If you're blue with swords and have always wondered what it was like to be red with tsais then you can experience both of these in Turtles in Time.

Now, if you thought that I have maxed out any credibility I have by telling you nothing about the actual story of the game then hold on to your horses because here it comes!


That's right, THE SHREDDER IS ON AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!!!!! Well, he could be. Anyway, the Shredder (Named for the fact that he shreds things with his ridiculous Ginsu knife armor) is a very bad man. So bad that he taunts the turtle on live television as if he were Osama Bin Laden. What else does the Shredder have in common with terrorists? Well he has stolen the Statue of Liberty, that's right, he hates Liberty.


Hey that's two articles with the Statue of Liberty... I smell conspiracy! Well, that's basically what the plot is. I forget why he wants to Statue of Liberty, but I think he was planning on turning it loose as a weapon of mass destruction (TERRORIST) by converting it into a giant robot (GUNDAM TERRORIST) and of course using it to finally defeat that giant ass Stay Puff Marshmallow Man (GHOST BUSTING TERRORIST). Unfortunately for the Turtles this means that they have to CHASE the Shredder around like a Saturday morning cartoon villain (since that's literally what he is). This results in the most worthwhile story and game mechanic ever contrived by modern man, you guessed it, TIME TRAVEL YAY! I love time travel because that is the only thing that could possibly explain well...this;


Yeah, that's an alligator with a cowboy hat fighting you on a train. I dare you to explain that plot point without time travel. Much like the plot of LOST this game is strangely linear while being completely confusing.

So how fun is the game you ask? If you have live actual friends that want to be near you and play a great beat 'em up game that borders on seductively addicting then this game is extremely fun. Despite all of the ridiculous parts of this game it is a fantastic nod to some of the greatest cartoon heroes of all time. Spider man? Bat man? No my friends, nothing quite beats the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

That is why this game will get Four polite Shredders out of Five.

Lets Play! With Holynub!

Oh yeah!  We got vidyas now!  Check it out.  Holynub's playin video games.  So what else is new?  These are called Lets Play videos.  They're just people playing old rom'd games and commenting on them.  Kinda like that Mario Frustration video i posted a while back.  I thought I might give it a shot.  It's pretty fun.  I guess this will be our little "retro" portion of the Report.  I think it's pretty badass.

If you got something nostalgic that you'd like to see me play, just drop a comment here or on the youtube page.

10 Reasons Dragon Age Is Better Than Real Life™

1: No matter how much you suck in real life, in Dragon Age you're a bad ass.



Before you even begin the game you get to choose your life in Dragon Age. At the very first click you're transported into an ideal fantasy background where you can be Snigglesnork, the well to do son of a noble man who was trained to be an expert archer. Then tragedy strikes as a power hungry asshole murders everything you love within a 10 mile radius leaving you to suck and die elsewhere. But even tragedy does not stop you from being awesome since you end up drinking the blood of your enemies, gaining their power and thus commencing a legendary tale of ass kickery. This is the exact opposite of the real world where you most likely are the son of a guy named Bill who works in textiles. Your family is happily living since you have no mortal enemies. Since you aren't pushed to achieve anything you end up living in the basement which you rent for a nominal fee that basically covers the amount of mountain dew you drink and the snack packs that you consume. Since drinking blood would probably give you AIDs you never embark on any sort of adventure that would be anywhere remotely kick ass.

2: You can run around for hours on end without ever eating, drinking, or anything.

Let's face it. No matter how much you wish you could run a marathon you're far too fat and lazy to even walk out the door to get in your car just so you can buy some running shoes that will collect dust in your closet. In a world of dragons and magic you can just run. Run across open plains. Run up and down frosted peaks. Run towards danger. Run from danger. Run to forest. Run through the forest. You feel as if you were some amazing running machine. A bionic man of sorts and no matter how far you run or how hard you fight you will never ever need to eat, rest or drink a glass of water. Consequently this also means that you will never have to use the bathroom. This is proven not only by the fact that you never ingest anything but there are also no bathrooms in all of Dragon Age Origins. Seriously. Not a single castle, house, inn, shack or open field has anything remotely close to a crapper. Even the dwarves who allegedly drink ale (Though I have never seen anyone drink anything inside of Tapsters) have absolutely nowhere to take a tinkle.


I mean, seriously. That's awesome. I wish I never had to crap.

3: Everyone can say blasphemous things without going to hell.

Jesus Christ! Er I mean Maker's Breath! Or rather... Andraste's retarded cousin! Everyone in Dragon Age says blasphemous things without any manner of impunity. It seems that there is no rule that says you can't say the maker's name in vain. Or even his mortal lover. Wait...What is he Zeus? Is the maker a guy? I didn't read that deep into the lore. Holy shit I can't remember. Well, as far as I can tell, there is no hell in Dragon Age either. I've killed people in front of the Chantry for absolutely no reason and they never hinted that I might burn in righteous hell fire for what I had done. I suppose the truth is that they can say these things simply because no one in Dragon Age actually dies. Even when you kill Loghain for being an all around jack ass he still comes back in the other games. Hell he can even live in the end if you feel like being merciful. In real life, you do go to hell though. Sorry kids, it does exist. I call it New Orleans.

4: Even if you suck at everything you try to do you can just dial it down to "Casual".

Sometimes when you try real hard at things in real life and you fail completely it is really demoralizing. It even pushes some people to drastic measures such as suicide or even worse, settling for that girl you met on the internet. This sort of problem never happens in Dragon Age. Say you get your ass kicked by on of those Revnants, just load that last save (since you can never truly die) and try it all over on casual. Or if you're aware that you completely suck then you can dial it down before you spit on the grave stone to piss the guy off. Nothing is beyond your grasp when you just make it easier. Want all the best results with none of the effort? Of course you do! Right next to modding the crap out of the game this is the best way to cheat and get ahead of everything. Here's the general idea of how it works:

Difficulty	Friendly Fire (PC)	Friendly Fire (PS3 XBOX)	Flat Attack Bonus	Flat Defense Bonus	Flat Damage Bonus	Healing Effects Multiplier	Damage Threshold	Enemy Resist Bonus	Player Resist Bonus	Potion Cap	Trap Damage Multiplier	Comments
Casual	None	None	20	20	5	1.5	3	-10%	10%	20	0.5	Easy AI
Normal	50%	None	0	0	0	1	7	1.5%	0%	12	1.0	Moderate AI
Hardcore	100%	50%	0	0	0	0.85	9	2.5%	0%	8	1.25	Full AI
Nightmare	100%	100%	0	0	0	0.85	16	5%	0%	0	1.50	Full AI

In real life the chart reads more like this:

Difficulty	Friendly Fire (Shotgun)	Friendly Fire (Grenade)	Your Ability To Fight	Chance To Fail	Flat Damage Bonus	Odds of Finding Love						Comments
Nightmare	Instant Death	Maimed	None	100%	5	1/1000000						Why God?
Nightmare	Instant Death	Maimed	None	100%	0	1/1000000						WHY?!
Nightmare	Instant Death	Maimed	None	100%	0	1/1000000						DAMN YOU WHY?!
Nightmare	Instant Death	Maimed	None	100%	0	1/1000000						I give up.

5: No matter how much of an asshole you are to your friends you can always buy them back.

The best part about Dragon Age is that you get to have relationships with your comrades. The idea is that depending on what you do their attitude towards you will change. This is a great mechanic in theory if it weren't for the gift giving system in the game. Did you sacrifice Alistar's foster father's wife in order to save their son from a demon that you ended up bargaining with by giving up the kid in order to gain blood magic powers? Did this piss Alistar off? NEVER FEAR! Gifts are here! just reach into your magic bag of carrying crap loads of heavy ass armor and pull out a...statue!

(Yes that is the Statue of Liberty attacking the sky with lightning bolt)

Yes, a statue will make all of that murder and dealing with demons go away. Alistar will love you again! Unfortunately when I ran over my neighbors cat giving him a taco didn't seem to make him like me more. I assumed since he was a mexican that he would like tacos as a gift. Apparently that was an incorrect assumption. Once again real life fails to be as awesome as Dragon Age because you can get away with murder in Dragon Age if you have enough statues, but all of the tacos in the world wont make up for a 50 year old cat that was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

6: Murder is often the best and only solution to any crisis.

There are few instances in real life where you can just murder your way out of the situation. The only ones I can really think of are in bank robberies and screenings of Pokemon movies. However those usually end with an electric chair. Dragon Age is truly wonderful because of the very fact that you almost always get the option of (kill him) in a tight situation. Guards snooping around? Kill them. Children being annoying? Kill them. Elves being all stupid an elven? Kill them too. If there's an obstacle in your way just murder the crap out of it. Whether it be a wall, spiders, or a wall of spider they can all just be killed with your knife. Hell, there are more consequences in the game if you refuse to kill someone. You might very well see the following message if you fail to kill even one helpless bunny:


Sometimes a man just has to kill in order to get the love, or at least the relative like of the evil witch he travels with. After all, if you kill all the right people eventually someone will sleep with you. This unfortunately will never ever work in real life. Trust me.

7: There is no such thing as "moral relativism".

Some people might ask, well what the hell is moral relativism? To put it simply it means that morality is considered to be a subjective thing. There is no such thing as an absolute moral truth according to moral relativism. This is the sort of mental retardation that makes it ok to trivialize immoral activity by simply stating that in that person's magical world it's ok even though most people would consider it wrong. This is something dreamed up by stupid hippies that don't want to take responsiblity for their actions. But I digress, in Dragon Age there is nothing but absolute moral truth. Murder is considered evil by the good characters. Helping people is considered right. Saving is good. Not pouring blood in the ashes of a god's dead wife is good. Not using an anvil the forge an army of golems by stealing the souls of dwarves is also good. Bad things make good people dislike you. Good things make bad people dislike you. Either way, good or bad you'll never fucking win with everyone. So you can choose to be either A) An evil manipulative asshole. or B) A goodie little two shoes. There is no real grey area on this. Unless you have plenty of presents for everyone. When you think about it though Dragon Age shows you that there really is only one absolute moral truth which is that presents are good.


I have no idea who's kid that is. But that kid sure does look happy with all those presents. Awesome.


8: Everyone is simply good looking.

Case in point:

LOOK! That's supposed to be a freaking wolf spirit that creates werewolves and she is damn pretty. I can't say more than that.

I mean in real life you get people who look like this:


Fucking hobos...


9: Everyone wants to have sex with you.


Every freaking character in your party wants to sleep with you at some point in this game. You barely have to be nice to them and they'll start hitting on you. If they're not hitting on you then they are most likely hitting on someone else. You will have so many people trying to get into your pants you'll find yourself agreeing to almost everyone out of some sick morbid curiosity. This is nothing like the real world where unless you're either a) good looking b) rich or c) capable of getting loose women really drunk really fast then you're shit out of luck. It's not even that they just simply sleep with you in Dragon Age. They literally fall in love with you just for giving them a gold necklace or killing their mother. It doesn't take much to get these people in the sack. It is almost is too easy. Or is it? Actually you do put a few hours into it just for a cut scene that isn't even graphic. You know, real life might actually win here since it's worth the effort in the end. Especially if you end up with someone you love.

Wait nevermind. Tha game is better because there are no STDs making the sex with all the good looking people consequence free. Another win for Dragon Age.

10: In Dragon Age no one knows how lonely you really are.

Somebody hug me. :(