hot new games

Summer is starting to fizzle, but us here at the holynub report have the what's what on HOT new games to appease your burning desire, put the spring back in your step and the tingle back in your dingle. First up...

Fable 2! I am a huge fan of Lion Head Studios and the original Fable. Lion Head Studio's Peter Molyneaux is hinting that this version is going to really push the moral dilemmas that your hero has to face, making the sacrifice to be a good person be a lot more dire. 

PROS: Fable 2 seems to be very promising, expanding upon all the things that made the original great: Customizable character abilities and appearance (via collectable tattoo and haircut cards), Easy to Learn and Immersive Action RPG battle system and the ability to choose either the path of good or evil. Stack that on top of a quick and easy online multiplayer function, interactive pets and being able to spread your man-seed all over Albion and it looks like we have ourselves a WINNAR!

CONS: Instead of procuring wealth from bashing skulls and running errands for the Heroes Guild, it seems like the only way to get money is through gambling parlor mini games. To me this seems like replacing one type of money grind for another instead of introducing an exciting new feature. Maybe it's just because I am a terrible gambler in real life, but this worries me. However, if you are able to play the mini games with online friends and actually take their money, it might be exciting enough to be worth it.

Rating: 10 out of 12 jittering cardboard sword wielding colored paper ball throwing fanboys

I am not familiar with the earlier renditions of Fallout, but it seems the lads at Bethesda Softworks have made a game that anyone can bite their radiated mutant teeth into. 

PROS: Revolutionary new Battle System allows players to transition seamlessly from traditional FPS to V.A.T.S or Vault-Tec Assisted Targeting system to play in a more RPG oriented style. The environment looks absolutely stunning and the open storyline allows for decisions that will have a direct affect on the path your game takes. For instance you can detonate and complete destroy an entire area of the game. This game's gritty tongue-in-cheek steam punk vibe makes me squeel with glee. 

CONS: I will probably myself forget what the sun looks like as I shut myself in my apartment playing this game over and over and over again and might find myself emerging into a real life world not unlike the one depicted in the game, but then again I would have prepared myself pretty adequately for the challenges to come.

Rating: 30 out of 30 radioactive cyborgian mutant mercenaries

Okay these two get lumped together in the "swingy open environment" genre of game. They both bring interesting things to the table. Spiderman offers an exciting and dynamic battle systems that really does a great job capturing how you imagined Spiderman would do battle. Also you can transition seamlessly between regular good neighborhood spidey to morally questionable symbiote suit spidey both in battle sequences for nasty combos and after boss fights to choose how to dispose of your downed foe.

Bionic Commando mixes the swingy aspect with a gun toting badass cyborg dude. Although the actual swing combat doesn't seem to be as dynamic as the spidey game, the fact that the hero can jump kick a car does seem interesting. Also there is an online multiplayer feature which looks promising. It's hard to tell at this point if the multiplayer aspect is going to be what carries the game. From gameplay demos and trailers it is hard to really say if they multiplayer will hold up over the long haul and make this game an addictive cult classic. 

Now if I have any money left over from buying a gaming console, a TV and all these games, I was thinking about buying this diamond in the rough. I am personally a huge fan of Greek Mythology. However, most gamers might feel like they are being hit over the head with the theme so perfectly executed by the God of War series. However, the art direction for this game is top notch and promises to be true to it's setting while still adding it's own flair. The battle system is based on the many weapons available to Jason of Argonauts fame. Each weapon correlates to a specific god and also playing style. 

PROS: You get to bash heads and slice through the aortas of many a foe at the hands of the legendary Greek hero Jason. Inventive battle system allows for a variety of play styles and a number of options for different scenarios. The lush environments and amazing detail are sure to immerse any ancient Greek geek. 

CONS: Theme might be a little tired riding on the heels of the smash hit God of War and might not be unique enough to get people's attention. A common pitfall of this type of hack and slash action RPG is that the game can feel repetitive, especially if there is one OP combo move that obliterates everything in sight. Hopefully, the varied battle system can overcome that. 

Rating: 18 out of 25 trojan for her pleasure zombies

I played WAR and I think I like it.

I hope WOW don't mind it.

Well... That's enough Katie Perry for now. But yes. I've dabbled in the realm of non-wow games. AGAIN. There be many reasons for this. Primarily, with the announcement of Wrath of the Lich King expansion this coming november, I have lost the need to play wow. Yes, I could grind more gear. But for what? So it can all become obsolete in two months? Nurf that, I'm gonna do something more constructive with my time.

SO IT BEGINS... AGAIN

Alrighty then. Lets see here. What's this now... After much clicking and d/ling and crap, I PLAY! HmmMmMm. Because I don't want to deal with the big box of stupid which comprise 90% of the alliance on WOW, I'm going to roll the bad guys. DESTRUCTION BIATCHES!

One noticable thing about WAR, they spell out the classes as soon as you pickum. For example, I am rolling this thing called a Zealot. It is a Healer. That's explicitly what it says as soon as you click on the avatar. And that's about it. I mean, it's got some Debuffing and buffing capabilities, but overall it's supposed to be a healer. Meh, I can deal with that. Holynub rides again!

Soooo.. Where the hell am I?

OK. I'll admit. I am seriously fucking lost in this game. I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground. See, this is what happens when you play one MMO for way to fucking long. You're not flexable. Can't adapt and "enhance" (Clicky noises) "enhance" (more clicky noises) "enhance" (clicky clicky). Ok, that's enough super troopers. So... I kind of run around and kill crap randomly. I right click and talk to all these NPCs and stuff. Get quests. Do things. I still don't feel 100% comfortable with my surroundings still. It's probably just the WOW talking still.

Boy it's dark in here...

War goes for the more "Lord of the Rings" style of environments. It's a lot darker, not as cartoony as WOW. Some people like that. Personally, I don't. As far as aesthetics go for MMOs. The less realistic, the better. I really do like WOW's contrast in areas. One area is significantly different than others. I can't say that I've explored all areas of WAR, but from what i've seen. Not too impressed.

Waaaaagggghhh!!

Alright. I suck at PVP. But goddamnit I like it. And this game. Whew... They r do some things right here. You can GRIND UP LEVELS doing pvp. FROM LEVEL 1! As soon as you make your character, you can queue yourself for "scenario" pvp. That's basically battlegrounds from wow. They have different scenarios for different levels. Not sure how it works for different levels. There will be more on this in the future once I figure out everything. Nextly, Grinding in PVP as a healer is NOT THAT BAD/GOOD. You can sit back and heal people, and the person you're healing basically beats on people. This gives both of you EXP. Now, if you're healing lots of people at the same time while they wail on people. YOU GET EXP FOR ALL OF IT! HOWEVER!!!! If your team is sucking hard and not doing any damage and just taking it up the butt. Yeah.. You get nothing. But it is kind've fun grinding out almost a full level just doing BG's.

Also, there are PVP rankings from 1 to.. I think 40. Basically it's a separate exp system. As you PVP more, you get what's known as "Renown." Renown is kind of like your PVP level. By increasing it, it allows you access to better pvp gear and also special talents. It's complicated. I'm not even that far along, so we'll just call it a black box of pvp stuff.

So here we go

Well, that's Holy's first heal into the new, maybe even exciting world of... Warhammer. Hmmm. Still gotta get over WOW. At least until the expansion.

NOM NOM NOM

As I am now sitting here, procrastinating. Not writing about how price discrimination is a viable option for profit maximizing firms in certain tourism industries. I get hungry. Which then leads to this. FOOD AND VIDEO GAMES.


Food has been in games for a very long time. IN THE BEGINNING... BACK WHEN NINTENDO ONLY MADE HANDHELDS... THERE WAS BACON. Wait what? Bacon? Yes, the crazy ass japanese made Game & Watch games. There was a bizzare little title known as Chef. Where you juggled various food objects in a pan. And.. that's all you did. Those were simple times. Kiddies today may know Game & Watch prominently from it's character in the depressingly popular Super Smash Brothers Brawl/Melee. Kids these days. Young whipper shnappers need to know their roots damnit! Anyway. This is the one of (if not THE)first time food was a central theme of a game.


Pac-man. Now there's a mother fucker that needs to go to weight watchers. Not saying that I'm any better, but come on. All that basard does is eat shit. He eats the little dots, which i assume taste a lot like marshmallows. He eats the fruits and pretzels and shit. Then he eats the fucking steroid dot thing and starts eating ghosts like they were fucking soylent green. Imagine justwalking around then this big fat fucking yellow guy is like "WAKA WAKA MOTHA FAKKA!" and tries to eat you. That's some fucked up shit.


Lets take a look at the most legendary food ever introduced. MUSHROOMS! Yeah, mario did it. He ate shrooms and was like, "Dude, I'm fricken HUGE." Mario was a very drugged out game. But we still love him anyway. We just don't ask the questions. We just sit here and DANA NA DUH NA NA! DUH! Dun dan dun da duhh da duh and what not.


Domino's Pizza had a game. Back when their mascot was this wierd fucker in a red suit. I think it was called a Noid or some shit like that? Now that I think about it. What the fuck did you do in that game? You like... Collected pepperoni slices or some crap like that. Wait... WAIT! Doing research on this stupid fuckin game. Here we go. God i love wikipedia. Ho ho ho... Way to go localization in the late 80's and early 90's. Just like Super Mario Bro's 2. It's like, HEY nobody in the US will care what this game is. Lets use something they do know and just call it something else. There we go. GG


Bubble boble. YEYAH. I fucking love this game. Little godzilla dinosaurs that shoot friendly bubles instead of fire. And they're going to go save the princess! Aww aren't they cute? SO CUDDLY WUDDLY! ... ... I think i grew a vagina for a second there. So you shoot bubbles to capture enemies. Then pop the bubbles and the enemies miraculously become food and gems! Holy goddamn soylent system bat man. But hey... Lets not care, cuz they're cutesie little cuddly... AHHHH GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!


Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. Take a wild goddamn guess what you eat in this game? Welll.. Snakes would only be partially true. You can eat all sorts of wild life. Snake. Birds. Alligators. It's like playing an episode of Man vs. Wild. Get all Bear Grylls on that shit. Of course you can always eat your standard yellow block of "Ration." Which I think are goddamn delicious. I used to eat those all the time while I lived in japan. Just because it made me feel like solid snake. WHAT!? It's great fucking product placement people! Those guys at Calorie Mate got my demographic goddamnit.


Speaking of product placement. Just about every RPG under the goddamn sun has a type of Potion or some shit like that. Dose guys at Square-Enix. They know what to do. Fucking make a real life version of it and sell it during the launch of the new game! Final Fantasy XII launched along with Square-Enix's new "Potion" drink. If anyone's played FFXII, you can burn through a lot of potions playing that game. You know... I need to get my hands on some of that stuff. WHAT?! I'm sorry. But the thought of DRINKING ACTUAL POTION makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Of course there's a level of sadness right below that.


Of course, if you go a "Potion" you also need a Mana potion. Yeaahhhhhhh!!!! Inspired by world of warcraft and other MMORPGS, some guys thought it would be a god idea to make one of those crazy ass energy drinks and call it "Mana Potion." Now that's fuckin genius. I'd buy it. If they fucking shipped out to Hawaii those goddamn bastards! *RAAAAGGGGEEE* I'm oom out here. How r holy supposed to heal? STFU, I'm not going to stack spir and mp/5! Nurf dat! GIMMIE DAT POT! Srsly. EY! Christiansen, can you ship me down like a 12 pack? I pay you back... Sometime.... Maybe....


And finally, if you watched that wonderful video at the top of the article. I'm sorry. I love Team Fortress 2 soo goddamn much. The art style just makes me happy. And I love the videos they make. That item, is a real weapon you can use in TF2. You eat it, and you make that loud obnoxious NOM NOM NOM noise. And everyone in the game knows what you're doing. And it heals you too! NOM NOM NOM! Sandvich! It's probably the only reason I play the Heavy class right now is to try and get that SANDVICH! Just so i can be completely obnoxious and stand around and eat it while people are actually tryin to do stuff. NOM NOM NOM!


And that is just a SUPER tiny glimps at food in video games. Meng... I'm pretty hungry now.