Saturday, August 30, 2008

NOM NOM NOM


As I am now sitting here, procrastinating. Not writing about how price discrimination is a viable option for profit maximizing firms in certain tourism industries. I get hungry. Which then leads to this. FOOD AND VIDEO GAMES.


Food has been in games for a very long time. IN THE BEGINNING... BACK WHEN NINTENDO ONLY MADE HANDHELDS... THERE WAS BACON. Wait what? Bacon? Yes, the crazy ass japanese made Game & Watch games. There was a bizzare little title known as Chef. Where you juggled various food objects in a pan. And.. that's all you did. Those were simple times. Kiddies today may know Game & Watch prominently from it's character in the depressingly popular Super Smash Brothers Brawl/Melee. Kids these days. Young whipper shnappers need to know their roots damnit! Anyway. This is the one of (if not THE)first time food was a central theme of a game.


Pac-man. Now there's a mother fucker that needs to go to weight watchers. Not saying that I'm any better, but come on. All that basard does is eat shit. He eats the little dots, which i assume taste a lot like marshmallows. He eats the fruits and pretzels and shit. Then he eats the fucking steroid dot thing and starts eating ghosts like they were fucking soylent green. Imagine justwalking around then this big fat fucking yellow guy is like "WAKA WAKA MOTHA FAKKA!" and tries to eat you. That's some fucked up shit.


Lets take a look at the most legendary food ever introduced. MUSHROOMS! Yeah, mario did it. He ate shrooms and was like, "Dude, I'm fricken HUGE." Mario was a very drugged out game. But we still love him anyway. We just don't ask the questions. We just sit here and DANA NA DUH NA NA! DUH! Dun dan dun da duhh da duh and what not.


Domino's Pizza had a game. Back when their mascot was this wierd fucker in a red suit. I think it was called a Noid or some shit like that? Now that I think about it. What the fuck did you do in that game? You like... Collected pepperoni slices or some crap like that. Wait... WAIT! Doing research on this stupid fuckin game. Here we go. God i love wikipedia. Ho ho ho... Way to go localization in the late 80's and early 90's. Just like Super Mario Bro's 2. It's like, HEY nobody in the US will care what this game is. Lets use something they do know and just call it something else. There we go. GG


Bubble boble. YEYAH. I fucking love this game. Little godzilla dinosaurs that shoot friendly bubles instead of fire. And they're going to go save the princess! Aww aren't they cute? SO CUDDLY WUDDLY! ... ... I think i grew a vagina for a second there. So you shoot bubbles to capture enemies. Then pop the bubbles and the enemies miraculously become food and gems! Holy goddamn soylent system bat man. But hey... Lets not care, cuz they're cutesie little cuddly... AHHHH GET THEM AWAY FROM ME!


Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. Take a wild goddamn guess what you eat in this game? Welll.. Snakes would only be partially true. You can eat all sorts of wild life. Snake. Birds. Alligators. It's like playing an episode of Man vs. Wild. Get all Bear Grylls on that shit. Of course you can always eat your standard yellow block of "Ration." Which I think are goddamn delicious. I used to eat those all the time while I lived in japan. Just because it made me feel like solid snake. WHAT!? It's great fucking product placement people! Those guys at Calorie Mate got my demographic goddamnit.


Speaking of product placement. Just about every RPG under the goddamn sun has a type of Potion or some shit like that. Dose guys at Square-Enix. They know what to do. Fucking make a real life version of it and sell it during the launch of the new game! Final Fantasy XII launched along with Square-Enix's new "Potion" drink. If anyone's played FFXII, you can burn through a lot of potions playing that game. You know... I need to get my hands on some of that stuff. WHAT?! I'm sorry. But the thought of DRINKING ACTUAL POTION makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Of course there's a level of sadness right below that.


Of course, if you go a "Potion" you also need a Mana potion. Yeaahhhhhhh!!!! Inspired by world of warcraft and other MMORPGS, some guys thought it would be a god idea to make one of those crazy ass energy drinks and call it "Mana Potion." Now that's fuckin genius. I'd buy it. If they fucking shipped out to Hawaii those goddamn bastards! *RAAAAGGGGEEE* I'm oom out here. How r holy supposed to heal? STFU, I'm not going to stack spir and mp/5! Nurf dat! GIMMIE DAT POT! Srsly. EY! Christiansen, can you ship me down like a 12 pack? I pay you back... Sometime.... Maybe....


And finally, if you watched that wonderful video at the top of the article. I'm sorry. I love Team Fortress 2 soo goddamn much. The art style just makes me happy. And I love the videos they make. That item, is a real weapon you can use in TF2. You eat it, and you make that loud obnoxious NOM NOM NOM noise. And everyone in the game knows what you're doing. And it heals you too! NOM NOM NOM! Sandvich! It's probably the only reason I play the Heavy class right now is to try and get that SANDVICH! Just so i can be completely obnoxious and stand around and eat it while people are actually tryin to do stuff. NOM NOM NOM!


And that is just a SUPER tiny glimps at food in video games. Meng... I'm pretty hungry now.

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