Sunday, January 24, 2010

10 Reasons Dragon Age Is Better Than Real Life™



1: No matter how much you suck in real life, in Dragon Age you're a bad ass.



Before you even begin the game you get to choose your life in Dragon Age. At the very first click you're transported into an ideal fantasy background where you can be Snigglesnork, the well to do son of a noble man who was trained to be an expert archer. Then tragedy strikes as a power hungry asshole murders everything you love within a 10 mile radius leaving you to suck and die elsewhere. But even tragedy does not stop you from being awesome since you end up drinking the blood of your enemies, gaining their power and thus commencing a legendary tale of ass kickery. This is the exact opposite of the real world where you most likely are the son of a guy named Bill who works in textiles. Your family is happily living since you have no mortal enemies. Since you aren't pushed to achieve anything you end up living in the basement which you rent for a nominal fee that basically covers the amount of mountain dew you drink and the snack packs that you consume. Since drinking blood would probably give you AIDs you never embark on any sort of adventure that would be anywhere remotely kick ass.

2: You can run around for hours on end without ever eating, drinking, or anything.

Let's face it. No matter how much you wish you could run a marathon you're far too fat and lazy to even walk out the door to get in your car just so you can buy some running shoes that will collect dust in your closet. In a world of dragons and magic you can just run. Run across open plains. Run up and down frosted peaks. Run towards danger. Run from danger. Run to forest. Run through the forest. You feel as if you were some amazing running machine. A bionic man of sorts and no matter how far you run or how hard you fight you will never ever need to eat, rest or drink a glass of water. Consequently this also means that you will never have to use the bathroom. This is proven not only by the fact that you never ingest anything but there are also no bathrooms in all of Dragon Age Origins. Seriously. Not a single castle, house, inn, shack or open field has anything remotely close to a crapper. Even the dwarves who allegedly drink ale (Though I have never seen anyone drink anything inside of Tapsters) have absolutely nowhere to take a tinkle.


I mean, seriously. That's awesome. I wish I never had to crap.

3: Everyone can say blasphemous things without going to hell.

Jesus Christ! Er I mean Maker's Breath! Or rather... Andraste's retarded cousin! Everyone in Dragon Age says blasphemous things without any manner of impunity. It seems that there is no rule that says you can't say the maker's name in vain. Or even his mortal lover. Wait...What is he Zeus? Is the maker a guy? I didn't read that deep into the lore. Holy shit I can't remember. Well, as far as I can tell, there is no hell in Dragon Age either. I've killed people in front of the Chantry for absolutely no reason and they never hinted that I might burn in righteous hell fire for what I had done. I suppose the truth is that they can say these things simply because no one in Dragon Age actually dies. Even when you kill Loghain for being an all around jack ass he still comes back in the other games. Hell he can even live in the end if you feel like being merciful. In real life, you do go to hell though. Sorry kids, it does exist. I call it New Orleans.

4: Even if you suck at everything you try to do you can just dial it down to "Casual".

Sometimes when you try real hard at things in real life and you fail completely it is really demoralizing. It even pushes some people to drastic measures such as suicide or even worse, settling for that girl you met on the internet. This sort of problem never happens in Dragon Age. Say you get your ass kicked by on of those Revnants, just load that last save (since you can never truly die) and try it all over on casual. Or if you're aware that you completely suck then you can dial it down before you spit on the grave stone to piss the guy off. Nothing is beyond your grasp when you just make it easier. Want all the best results with none of the effort? Of course you do! Right next to modding the crap out of the game this is the best way to cheat and get ahead of everything. Here's the general idea of how it works:


Difficulty
Friendly Fire (PC)
Friendly Fire (PS3 XBOX)
Flat Attack Bonus
Flat Defense Bonus
Flat Damage Bonus
Healing Effects Multiplier
Damage Threshold
Enemy Resist Bonus
Player Resist Bonus
Potion Cap
Trap Damage Multiplier
Comments
Casual
None
None
20
20
5
1.5
3
-10%
10%
20
0.5
Easy AI
Normal
50%
None
0
0
0
1
7
1.5%
0%
12
1.0
Moderate AI
Hardcore
100%
50%
0
0
0
0.85
9
2.5%
0%
8
1.25
Full AI
Nightmare
100%
100%
0
0
0
0.85
16
5%
0%
0
1.50
Full AI

In real life the chart reads more like this:


Difficulty
Friendly Fire (Shotgun)
Friendly Fire (Grenade)
Your Ability
To Fight

Chance
To Fail

Flat Damage Bonus
Odds of
Finding Love











Comments
Nightmare
Instant Death

Maimed
None
100%
5
1/1000000










Why God?

Nightmare

Instant Death
Maimed

None

100%
0
1/1000000










WHY?!
Nightmare
Instant Death
Maimed

None

100%
0
1/1000000










DAMN YOU WHY?!

Nightmare
Instant Death
Maimed

None

100%
0
1/1000000










I give up.




5: No matter how much of an asshole you are to your friends you can always buy them back.

The best part about Dragon Age is that you get to have relationships with your comrades. The idea is that depending on what you do their attitude towards you will change. This is a great mechanic in theory if it weren't for the gift giving system in the game. Did you sacrifice Alistar's foster father's wife in order to save their son from a demon that you ended up bargaining with by giving up the kid in order to gain blood magic powers? Did this piss Alistar off? NEVER FEAR! Gifts are here! just reach into your magic bag of carrying crap loads of heavy ass armor and pull out a...statue!



(Yes that is the Statue of Liberty attacking the sky with lightning bolt)


Yes, a statue will make all of that murder and dealing with demons go away. Alistar will love you again! Unfortunately when I ran over my neighbors cat giving him a taco didn't seem to make him like me more. I assumed since he was a mexican that he would like tacos as a gift. Apparently that was an incorrect assumption. Once again real life fails to be as awesome as Dragon Age because you can get away with murder in Dragon Age if you have enough statues, but all of the tacos in the world wont make up for a 50 year old cat that was in the wrong place at the wrong time.


6: Murder is often the best and only solution to any crisis.

There are few instances in real life where you can just murder your way out of the situation. The only ones I can really think of are in bank robberies and screenings of Pokemon movies. However those usually end with an electric chair. Dragon Age is truly wonderful because of the very fact that you almost always get the option of (kill him) in a tight situation. Guards snooping around? Kill them. Children being annoying? Kill them. Elves being all stupid an elven? Kill them too. If there's an obstacle in your way just murder the crap out of it. Whether it be a wall, spiders, or a wall of spider they can all just be killed with your knife. Hell, there are more consequences in the game if you refuse to kill someone. You might very well see the following message if you fail to kill even one helpless bunny:


Sometimes a man just has to kill in order to get the love, or at least the relative like of the evil witch he travels with. After all, if you kill all the right people eventually someone will sleep with you. This unfortunately will never ever work in real life. Trust me.

7: There is no such thing as "moral relativism".

Some people might ask, well what the hell is moral relativism? To put it simply it means that morality is considered to be a subjective thing. There is no such thing as an absolute moral truth according to moral relativism. This is the sort of mental retardation that makes it ok to trivialize immoral activity by simply stating that in that person's magical world it's ok even though most people would consider it wrong. This is something dreamed up by stupid hippies that don't want to take responsiblity for their actions. But I digress, in Dragon Age there is nothing but absolute moral truth. Murder is considered evil by the good characters. Helping people is considered right. Saving is good. Not pouring blood in the ashes of a god's dead wife is good. Not using an anvil the forge an army of golems by stealing the souls of dwarves is also good. Bad things make good people dislike you. Good things make bad people dislike you. Either way, good or bad you'll never fucking win with everyone. So you can choose to be either A) An evil manipulative asshole. or B) A goodie little two shoes. There is no real grey area on this. Unless you have plenty of presents for everyone. When you think about it though Dragon Age shows you that there really is only one absolute moral truth which is that presents are good.


I have no idea who's kid that is. But that kid sure does look happy with all those presents. Awesome.


8: Everyone is simply good looking.

Case in point:

LOOK! That's supposed to be a freaking wolf spirit that creates werewolves and she is damn pretty. I can't say more than that.

I mean in real life you get people who look like this:


Fucking hobos...


9: Everyone wants to have sex with you.


Every freaking character in your party wants to sleep with you at some point in this game. You barely have to be nice to them and they'll start hitting on you. If they're not hitting on you then they are most likely hitting on someone else. You will have so many people trying to get into your pants you'll find yourself agreeing to almost everyone out of some sick morbid curiosity. This is nothing like the real world where unless you're either a) good looking b) rich or c) capable of getting loose women really drunk really fast then you're shit out of luck. It's not even that they just simply sleep with you in Dragon Age. They literally fall in love with you just for giving them a gold necklace or killing their mother. It doesn't take much to get these people in the sack. It is almost is too easy. Or is it? Actually you do put a few hours into it just for a cut scene that isn't even graphic. You know, real life might actually win here since it's worth the effort in the end. Especially if you end up with someone you love.

Wait nevermind. Tha game is better because there are no STDs making the sex with all the good looking people consequence free. Another win for Dragon Age.

10: In Dragon Age no one knows how lonely you really are.




Somebody hug me. :(

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