Thursday, January 28, 2010

iThink about iPad

That's a big fucking iPhone

 Alright.  Soooo I've been kinda got caught up in the hype of the new Apple iPad.  Yeah yeah, it's apple blah blah SHADDAP.  I'd go over the specifics of it, but there's like... A BILLION SITES OUT THERE(Alright there's millions... FOR NOW.) that ran coverage of the event as well as apple has their own page for it now.  So we're gonna do this Holynub style.

Dear Internet

Some things need to be pointed out about the iPad.  While nice as it is, I can definitely see that it is not meant for everyone.  And critics have issues with this.  But lets be real here.  Not everything that is released is designed for everyone.  While engineers and developers try to maximize the marketability of products, it is not a one size fits all.  This device was meant to target as wide an audience as it could and too bad if you're not part of it.  Don't go flaming Apple because they didn't make it the way you wanted it.  In fact, fuck you.  You don't like it, do something about it.  If you are, then lets see it.  You lazy fuck.

Hello starbucks?  It's Steve again.  Soy Latte, so I don't get dairy farts.

Now that all the designers have kissed my ass, time for me to bash it a bit.  The iPad is basically a big ass iPhone.  Well... I take that back.  It's a big ass iTouch.  It COULD be a big ass iPhone if they add support for a headset and microphone.  Maybe they'll put in an internal mic.  Then you can hold it up to your face and scream at your computer.  "HALLO!?  CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!?  YEAH I'M ON MY IPAD.  I'M OBNOXIOUS AND COULDN'T CARE THAT OTHER PEOPLE ARE LISTENING TO MY CONVERSATION!"  Now that Apple is allowing for VoIP phone clients on their app store, the iPad could easily get an application that allows for basic phone calling.  Actually, it probably can just use the ones that are out on the iTunes app store. 

Coincidently, this building in Dubai is also named "iPad"

Which brings me to the next little quirp.  Sooooooooooooooo the software for the iPad.  You can't install traditional software on it.  Nope.  None of that sir.  Not because there's no optical drive and what not.  It's because the mother fucker just doesn't support it.  You NEED to download the apps from their iTunes store.  No other options.  WELLL give it some time.  I'm sure George Hotz(iPhone Jailbreaker dude) is gonna take a shot at this after he's done with the PS3. But till then, all software must go through Apple.  If you would like to skip this gigantic App Store rant, scroll down till you see *****

All your software are belong to us

Now 96% of the population has no problem with that.  OH YOU POOR SHEEP.  Erhm.  Sorry, that's the open source programmer in me getting out there.  This really grinds the gears of Open Source developers and anti-DRM(Digital Restriction Managment) groups.  In some aspects, they're like hippies for computers, what with all the "Free software for all, mannnnn."  Apple has drawn a lot of criticism from these groups since the launch of the App store.  There are actually thousands of apps that are rejected from the app store.  There are many reasons an app won't be accepted, but generally it's because the app doesn't fall within Apple's "image." 

Hey!  I am too!

Most people don't know the process of how an app is born.  It's a lot like what you learned in health class, but with more people getting fucked.  A programmer(or group of) must spend many hours of toiling with his/her great idea.  Then after some testing and debugging they must submit the app to Apple's app store.  The app isn't published immediately though.  First it must be screened and scrutinized by moderators(moder-hatorz, am i rite?!  Man that was lame).  These moderators must deem the app "worthy" of being added to the app store.  SO, you can spend weeks/months/years of slamming your head against the wall to make an app for fart noises, only to have the overlords at Apple say NO.  I'm taking this line from PC  "iPhone App Rejected?  There's a site for that.

Back in my day, this was the "good" computer in the lab

*****What is the cost of this fancy shmancy ding dong?  About $500 for the no frills model.  For all that it does...  I'm kinda OK with that.  Granted in about a year or two it'll be down to like $300 or something stupid like that.  But I can see that as a plus.  If you consider it's web browsing and ebook reader capabilities, I can see this doing well in schools if done properly.  Yes, there's a lot of human factors that can fuck this up.  Billy spilled glue all over his iPad, Russel's downloading hello kitty porn again, Katie's mom sold her iPad for crack.  Dumb people aside, it would be kinda cool seeing something like the iPad being a mandatory piece of equipment in schools.  It would remind me of all those kick ass future school things you see in teh movies.  All your textbooks could be put in the reader, so you can give the book store the finger.  However, this is just an ideal.  But not that bad of one.  It just needs to be done right.  Please stupid people, don't fuck this one up.

I get the turning.  How the fuck do you hit the gas and breaks?  Shifting lawl?

BUT HOLY! WTF DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH VIDYA GAEMS!?  Alright alright.  Main reason this blog exists is for games.  Well, during the announcement, it looked like Apple is really trying to reach out to gamers for this platform.  Why?  I have no fucking clue.  Yes, the App store generates tons of fucking money so you can play bejeweled on your phone.  They were showing off a better looking car racing sim and yada yada.  Will this be a serious platform for gaming?  Probably not.  Will it still make a lot of money with stupid tap tap fucking games?  Maybe not as much as the iPhone apps, but there could be a market for it.  Lets step back and look at the games for the iPhone/iTouch.  They are all very simplistic in comparison to DS or PSP games.  BUT!  That's why they work.  When do people play these games?  Waiting for bus, riding on plane/train/automobile, during conference calls, at a friends wedding, at your wedding, basically anytime you're bored to all living hell.  Because it's on your phone, it's convenient.  You're always have your phone on you.  No extra gadgets to carry.  Just whip it out and play.  Maybe show it to the lady sitting next to you.  Maybe she'll play with it too.  Wait... What am I talking about again?   O Rite.  I don't forsee anyone just using their iPad in just random situations to play games.  Just not convenient enough.  Granted, there are some douchebags that will.  The "Hey check me out!  I am hip!" kind of people. 

Found this on the interwebs.  XBOX Rival?  Ehhh ehh? Just mull on it a bit Apple.  Just a bit.

However, there is an instance in which i can see this working for games.  The solution is simple, put World of Warcraft on it.  What?  Fuck yeah I'm biased.  But just think about it.  Play World of Warcraft with a touchscreen...  Maybe use finger gestures for casting spells.  Scourge Strike could be just giving people the finger.  3G or WiFi connection.  Play anywhere basically.  Yeah, it's not optimal for raiding, but you could just dick around in the AH.  Maybe even grind up an alt or something.  Hey, the interwebs have been thinking about it for a while.  Yes, i do understand it would be a lot of fucking work.  But, it could be a cool concept.  Alright alright.  Maybe not JUST World of Warcraft.  Still, if someone were to make a super addictive, interactive, and just all around godly game for the iPad, then I think there will be a good chance to see this becoming a legitimate gaming platform.  That's all it takes really.  Just one REALLY GOOD FUCKING GAME.  So good, that i must write it in all caps.  That's how good it must be. 

What everyone thought it was

Well Apple, let us see what will happen.  Will it be a major success?  Or will it go the way of the super thin shitty laptop you guys made?  Or maybe any of these other 8 crappy products that lost you ass tons of money?  Maybe society will realize how awesome it is and it becomes a staple in electronics, like the ipod.  Who knows.  Maybe 20 years from now, I will look back on this article and either shake my head because i'm stupid as fuck and I currently own the iPad 20GXPFNSTFU running Mac OSXX Thundercats HOOOO, or I will laugh my ass off because it was a piece of shit that put Apple out of business.  Not sure which of those options is better.

1 comment:

  1. Got an update to this. Looks like a team in Germany isn't liking the iPad. Check it out

    The wepad. Lawl.