Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy VD! Luv the Holynub Report

Goddamnit internet.
Le sigh... It's that time of year again.  Call it what you will.  Valentines Day/Love is In The Air World Event/VD/Too Much Heart Shaped Chocolate Day/Week Before Diabetes Awareness Week/Single's Awareness Day is a time for mourning love.  In honor of this dumbass holiday, lets take a look at some of the most pimpingest games out there.  You know, those games that always has the main character surrounded by bitches well mannered and intelligent women.  And you're like, AWWWW YEAHHHH.  WAT!?  Don't give me that look.  Ey! Shut up.  You know you were checking them out.  Yes this is sexist.  Wait what?  Of course they're over 18.  At least I think so...  Look if you're gonna be upset about me being a sexist pig, you are on the wrong blog.  Bom chiki wow wow.

Mass Effect Series

Soon after, they made out.
Just finished the 2nd in the series and I must say, I AM THE MAN.  Oh yeah, the ladies love me.  The game totally sets you up to be a ultra ladies man.  It's basically why you play the goddamn game.  Yeah yeah, story, save galaxy, fighting, yeah yeah.(I am totally turning a blind eye to the whole "you can make Shepard a female."  Because Holy don't play dat!)

A nice little compilation of things you can do in Mass Effect 2 ;)
You can go and woo basically anyone on your crew.  It's awesome!  To make it better, they add a nice variety of women.  Not just, female A or B.  You get cross species choices!  It's like a buffet!  Chase some Asari tail, or maybe you want some Quarian?  How bout a good ol' fashion human?  Awww yeah.  Not only do you woo them with your awesome manly dialog, you also get to sleep with them!  Which, I must add, drew a lot of fire from certain news sources(They claimed it was pr0nz.  I'd rant about that, but I'm not gonna go there.  I'd like to not have my head asplode.)

Chrono Trigger

They love the silent type.  Well, I'm fucked.
Crono(Or whatever you named him) was a player.  Come on.  Come onnnnn.  You know he was.  Him being all strong and silent.  That was how he ROLLED.  Look at all of your party members.  Luka, hawt nerdy girl and childhood friend. Marle, rebel princess that clearly digs you from the start.  She even does a little damsel in distress part.  Cavewoman chief Alya, she wears basically a fur bikini and has a cat tail.. A CAT TAIL.  And they be all over Crono.  The man doesn't even talk!  Man... I wish I had that much game.  OH WAIT! I DO!  Because I play him.

Metal Gear Solid 4

A camo rating of <3
I can hear you all being like, "WOAH WOAH WOAH.  Holy you've said some dumb shit before, but this is nut-slapping retarded." Hear me out here.  Solid Snake got GAME.  Even when he's all wrinkled old man, he's gotta fight to get women off of him.  Meryl still wanted him.  But he was so bad ass, he was like "Naww girl, you so PS1." Then there's Naomi (Cleavage) Hunter.  She was all coming on to him in South America.  She freakin tells him to take all his clothes off.  They montaged through things, but I still say he showed her his "SOLID SNAKE."  Mei Ling has been hitting on snake since Metal Gear Solid.  She's like, I got a Chinese proverb for you in my pants.  Am I rite? w0rd.

Snake did all 4 of them.  Yes he did. (Picture by
Snake tamed the entire Beauty & Beast squadron.  COME ON!  A squad made entirely of super-models.  And after he beats them in battle, they're all like. SLEEP WITH ME SNAKE in their skin tight suits and stuff.... Yeahhhhhh...  It was awesome...

God of War

Oh yes.. There is a God... of War.....
Kratos.  Sex Mini-game. Boobs.  Repeatable.  Twice(Third game has one too. To be seen).  THE MAN.  Nuff said.

Fable II

Not pictured - non-whores
In a game where you can do almost whatever you want, why NOT be a pimp?  You can have many many wives.  Go go polygamy.  Hell, I basically married every woman in the game.  My basic strategy was "Do you have boobs?  Marry me."  I made enough children to populate a small army.  Wat?  Someone's gotta rebuild the kingdom's army.  Might as well be me.  The biggest bad ass of them all.  Don't worry ladies, I got the stamina of a CHAMPION!  As well as every STD known to man.

Harvest Moon

I'm Building a harem!
Heh heh heh.  I can hear you through the internet.  That palm slapping the face.  YEAH I WENT THERE.  Harvest Moon is fo rael pl4y4z.  Don't believe me?  You are basically the only eligible bastard in the small "middle of butt-fuck nowhere" town.  You are now the owner of the largest property in town.  And apparently the town is filled with lonely women that will marry you if you give them enough cabbage(IF YA KNOW WHAT I MEAN! ZING!~).  What else are you going to do in Harvest Moon?  FARM!?  Lets be real.  You play Harvest Moon to hit on women.  End of story.  Nope, not hearing any of it.

Most awesome card evar.
Be it your girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other/wife/husband/right hand/left hand, you're gonna be spending time with someone this Valentines Day.  BUT NOT ME!  Buwahahahhaahaa.  Suckers.  I aint spending any money or buying candy or any of that silly froo froo crap. No sir!  I be pimping it up in dem games yo! Yeah!  Wooh... Yeahhh... Wheeeee... Fun...  I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep.

Whoever you may be.  Bawwwwww.


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