Saturday, February 20, 2010

Wier's Short Nostalgia Game Review!

To keep in step with my good pal the Holynub I've decided to provide the world with a short review of one of the first games I ever played on the SNES. (That's the Super Nintendo Entertainment System for you people who are not even as old as my SNES)

This game is probably one of the best most legendary hack and slash games that was ever created.

Yes, you guessed it my friends... Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time

Let us begin!



For some people the Ninja Turtles mean a lot. For most people they mean absolutely nothing. To me they mean hours spent mashing A, B, X and I think Y until finally I won the game. Turtles in Time had one of the most interesting features that I had ever seen in a video game. Multiplayer. I'm not talking about logging into your "internet" with your "google" and playing with your "friends", I am talking about getting physical human beings to sit their ass down next to you in front of your 12 inch television screen that had nail polish on the buttons because your sisters are evil. And it's not just the T.V. that has been vandalized it was the entire console, it had glittery paint all over it like someone unleashed the bedazzler from hell to consume the poor little creature's electronic soul. That's right, back in the early days consoles had souls and we all believed in the Earth Mother, but that's another story for another time (maybe an Illusions of Gaia review...).

The BEST part about the multiplayer was being able to choose from a diverse cast of characters with their own unique personalities. The type of in depth story telling and character development that really makes you feel for your character when his health bar goes down.


I mean look at those unique options! The blue bandanna turtle with DUAL WIELD SWORDS (Leonardo), the orange bandanna turtle with swingy doos (numchuks I think, he's Michelangelo), Donatello the purple bandana staff wielder (and not a pansy caster like most things that use staves these days, he straight up smacked the hell out of people!) and of course the red bandanna tsai wielding emotional nut bar Raphael.

Each one of these characters provides a unique persepective on the story because they each swing a different weapon and are a different color. If you're blue with swords and have always wondered what it was like to be red with tsais then you can experience both of these in Turtles in Time.

Now, if you thought that I have maxed out any credibility I have by telling you nothing about the actual story of the game then hold on to your horses because here it comes!


That's right, THE SHREDDER IS ON AMERICAN IDOL!!!!!!!!! Well, he could be. Anyway, the Shredder (Named for the fact that he shreds things with his ridiculous Ginsu knife armor) is a very bad man. So bad that he taunts the turtle on live television as if he were Osama Bin Laden. What else does the Shredder have in common with terrorists? Well he has stolen the Statue of Liberty, that's right, he hates Liberty.


Hey that's two articles with the Statue of Liberty... I smell conspiracy! Well, that's basically what the plot is. I forget why he wants to Statue of Liberty, but I think he was planning on turning it loose as a weapon of mass destruction (TERRORIST) by converting it into a giant robot (GUNDAM TERRORIST) and of course using it to finally defeat that giant ass Stay Puff Marshmallow Man (GHOST BUSTING TERRORIST). Unfortunately for the Turtles this means that they have to CHASE the Shredder around like a Saturday morning cartoon villain (since that's literally what he is). This results in the most worthwhile story and game mechanic ever contrived by modern man, you guessed it, TIME TRAVEL YAY! I love time travel because that is the only thing that could possibly explain well...this;


Yeah, that's an alligator with a cowboy hat fighting you on a train. I dare you to explain that plot point without time travel. Much like the plot of LOST this game is strangely linear while being completely confusing.

So how fun is the game you ask? If you have live actual friends that want to be near you and play a great beat 'em up game that borders on seductively addicting then this game is extremely fun. Despite all of the ridiculous parts of this game it is a fantastic nod to some of the greatest cartoon heroes of all time. Spider man? Bat man? No my friends, nothing quite beats the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

That is why this game will get Four polite Shredders out of Five.

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