Sunday, February 27, 2011

Holy Quickies!

As I peruse through my list of games I've gone through with Gamefly, I realize that I haven't really said much about most of these games to anyone.  Hmmm.  Lets blitz through this! Reviews One paragraph or less!  RETS DO DIS!  LEEEEEEEEERRRRROOOOOYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Uncharted 2: Among Thieves 

Beat it.  Basic cover system combat. Cool story. Looks nice. Enough climbing to make Spider Man say, "That's enough already." Making Movie.  Something about Mark Wahlberg vs. Nathan Fillion.
The w0rd: Holy Approved


A FPS RPG that reminds me of a love child between the Diablo Series and (Insert Some Futuristic Apocalyptic FPS).  Class system with talent trees. Really fun with a party.  So-so as solo. PC bugs and crappy support makes me want to kill myself.
The w0rd: Coop Multi-player is Holy Approved.

Dragon Age: Origins

Read Wier's blurb. Personally not a fan, but that's a difference in genre taste. You could feed me the exact same game in a Sci-Fi setting and I'd say it's game of the year. But, that's just personal bias.
The w0rd: Meh.

Victorious Boxers 2 : Fighting Spirit

Loved the Anime.Fuck yeah Ippo. Kinda felt like you were watching the series while playing story mode. Controls were a little sloppy. Always ended up button mashing and doing whatever to slap the shit out of people. However, if you didn't play as Ippo, the game kinda sucked. Also, Mashiba vs. Kimura == Worst fight evar.  Please note, the game is nowhere near as awesome as this video.
The w0rd: Yay anime! Meh game.


It's like Legend of Zelda meets God of War. Lots of back tracking. Some cool abilities, but most go unused(Like God of War and Legend of Zelda). 9/10 battles can be won with swing big sword then win. Story felt a little retarded. Room for sequel, but not sure if want.
The w0rd: Meh? Meh... Meh!!

Star Ocean: The Last Hope International

Played it when it first came out. Completely forgot how to play. Upon review of new content, said "Fuck it." Wasn't worth playing all over again for a few hours of new shit. If you haven't played it yet, play this version. If you've played it and liked it, knock yourself out again. But I was quite done with it the first time.
The w0rd: First time Yay! 2nd time Meh.

Dynasty Warriors: Gundam 2

Gundams?! Mobile suits!? BIRRIONS OF DEM!? They improved the selection of Mobile suits available since the first one. Best game evar. Ok Ok, I'm being biased.  I mean. I'm not gonna lie. I almost wanted to keep this one. But my sole gripe was the English only voice acting. Was not cool, I only know their original Japanese cast voices. English sounded wierd. And if you get bored of pressing a single button for hours at a time, then you're not going to like this. Also had split screen multi-player which was kinda cool.
The w0rd: Holy Approved


It's like Devil May Cry but you play as a skanky hoe.  Not that that's a bad thing. I'd hit that. To say Bayonetta is sexually suggestive would be like saying the Bible suggests the existence of God. She's a witch/stripper/Gun Slinger/Sword Swinger/WILF. Gameplay involves some pretty brutal timing of dodges. She don't take a hit like Dante. But when you got a suit which is made of your hair, you kinda don't want to. Cut scenes are over the top Devil may Cry/Ninja Gaiden/(Enter Japan thing here).
The w0rd: Bom Chiki Wow Wow.

Army of Two: The 40th Day

Much like the first one. Lots of dicking around. YOU NEED A 2ND PLAYER. The AI partner will make you want to jump off a building. Bling your gun, and play it like an MMO. One person tanks with a big fucking gun. Other one spanks with a high powered low aggro weapons. New "Moral choice" events during story try to give you the illusion of choice.
The w0rd: Coop is Holy Approved.

White Knight Chronicles: International Edition

It's like playing an offline MMO.  Crappy sluggish controls. Retarded combat system. Also note, this game came out in Japan and was complete shit. This version is a super patched and "BETTER" system. And it was still crappy. Semi-cool Knight summoning system. Story was meh. A large component is a multi-player party quest thing that is done outside of the actual storyline. The character you create has only a minor role in the storyline which is kind of lame but understandable. Tried to get into it, but it just did not play well.
The w0rd: No sir. I don't like it.

Ratched & Clank: A Crack in Time

For whatever reason, this was a brainless fun game. Simple action 3rd person adventure/shooter. Enjoyable characters. You don't need to play the previous ones to fully enjoy it. The first Ratchet & Clank I played was R&C Future: Tools of Destruction. And it was enjoyable. You can definitely tell it was intended for kids to play, but still appeal to an older audience. The weaponry is cool but it falls into the "These are cool, but I can just kill everything with this one thing." problem. Still very enjoyable.
The w0rd: Holy Approved

Assassin's Creed 2

Less dealing with the "MAN" than the first one. Allows for much more enjoyable dicking around in the open world. Assassination attempts can range from being creative methodical killer to being a simple jack ass that runs up and stabs someone in the face. I tend to be the latter rather than the former. Kinda cool side game of rebuilding a town to get more stuff. Lots of stupid things scattered everywhere with stuff to gather. Story is directly related to the first one. So if you missed that, you got some catching up to do. Had a lot of fun with it though.
The w0rd: Holy Approved.

Ninja Gaiden Sigma 2

Sigma 2 actually made it a little easier.  But once you feel like you got the hang of it, it starts to kick you in the face and tells your mom that you cheated on your 4th grade spelling test. There's supposedly a coop multi-player mode, but was unable to try it. Baww.  So ronery.  Some new modes, a few new weapons. Nothing radically different. Still... Goddamn ninjas.
The w0rd: Ninja meh.

Last Rebellion

This game was so forgettable that I had to look it up again to remember what the hell it was.  Yet another shitty Japanese RPG that tries to make the jump to PS3 and fails. Turn based, guessing game of combat. You literally need to figure out what combination of attacks you should be doing to kill something. It even gives you a fucking list. Story that made no sense. Some shit about swapping between a teenage angel girl and some dark pedophile dude in another dimension. I'm sorry, this game could've been released during the PS2 era and I would've praised it. But in this generation of gaming, this is unacceptable.
The w0rd: Take dis shit back to 2003, where it belongs.

Tatsunoko vs. Capcom: Ultimate All Stars

Simplified combat. Wide cast of characters. If you're not into Anime, you ain't gonna get into this. It's just plain and simple. Even I had a hard time identifying some of the characters. They get pretty old school in there. It's a damn shame they took out all of the cut scenes for the US release. That's the one thing I was looking forward too. I am not a big fan of fighting games anymore, but I still found it pretty enjoyable.
The w0rd: Haiyah!

Heavy Rain

It's not a game.  It's a goddamn interactive movie.  You can SLIGHTLY alter the story as you play through it.  Your decisions and actions will change your perception on how the story is unfolding.  However, the story will unfold no matter what. It was actually quite enjoyable. But once you play through it one time, you kinda know what's going to happen. So there's not much I can say about replayability.  WHO IS THE ORIGAMI KILLER!? Same person. Every time. There is a nude scene with the chick though. Bom chiki wow wow.
The w0rd: Holy is the Origami Killer.

Endless Ocean: Blue World

I'm going to actually write a full review of this one.  Stay tuned.


Online only game. Grenade spamman, sniper campan, blah blah blah. Usual online FPS shenanigans. The interesting part of MAG is the faction system.  You are forced to pick a side.  Once you're on a side, you're stuck with them.  I think each side is supposed to have some sort of advantage based on technology or weapon selection or some shit like that, but I didn't really see any. As a bigger kick in the nuts, you can't create more than one character without having to pay for it or delete the character you're currently using. So if you roll a character for the stereotypical American company but then want to battle as a shnazzy European military company, you gotta delete all your work done on the American dude. Unless you want to pay for another account...  Which sounds almost MMO like. First one was free, and that's good enough for me.
The w0rd: MEH

Dante's Inferno: Divine Edition

It's God of War except with Christianity.  And a "Good vs Evil" morality meter thingy.  But to be honest, the moral system mainly changed your playing style.  Either you're a Cross firing ranged-ish type of priest thingy, or you're a close combat Bible Brawler. As far as the game goes, it was alright. If you're looking for any sort of relation to the Divine Comedy, you clearly shouldn't be playing video games.  And no there is no real relation to the two other than names and the fact that Hell is in there.
The w0rd: Heaven or Hell with button mashing

Resonance of Fate(AKA End of Eternity)

Once again, I had to actually go and search for what game this was.  Shows how well it stuck in my memory. However, I did enjoy this one.  It was a unique RPG that was set in a sorta fantasy steam punkish.  Well... Steam punkish wouldn't really do either genre justice.  Maybe more, kinda sorta modern fantasy using magics and stuff but with guns. The way battles are carried out is complicated to put it simply. machine guns do padded damage, but you need hand guns to reinforce the machine gunner's damage or else the damage goes away.  Did any of that make sense?  If it did, you must've played this game.  The combat is complicated and at times unfair/brutal. Story was weird, but when isn't it? I enjoyed it, but wouldn't recommend it.  Most people will not like the gameplay. But if you want to walk on the weird side, check it out.
The w0rd: Holy Weirdly Approved

Monster Hunter Tri

Really... Really... Smurf this game.  I don't know what the fuck people see in this game.  I think Yahtzee had a spot on review of this game. It basically took the worst grinding elements of an MMORPG and boiled it down into a shitty gathering game.  But then again, this is from Japan, where collecting stupid shit is always a way to make birrion dorrar. You go and "gather" shit, take shit back to town, sell/forge shit, repeat. Note the "gather" because you are killing things for the purpose of gathering shit.  Basically, your purpose of killing a big fucking dinosaur is the same motivation for picking flowers. Biggest gripes, combat system sucks and it has no place on the Wii.  Combat requires the goddamn thing to stand still for more than 4 seconds while you try to swing your big fucking sword(which is a terrible idea, so use the dinky 1 handed weapons instead). Loading times are retarded because it's on the Wii. WHY!?  Fucking put it on the PSN or XBox Live as a downloadable game and it would've been INFINITELY BETTER.  Having to load every 20 steps is really fucking irritating.
The w0rd: SHIT

Lost Planet 2

Very different than the original.  The story elements of it kinda feel watered down.  Because you are playing as your own unique character there isn't much development of story about you.  It's more of being thrown into a crazy story and the cold planet is now a fucking jungle. People don't like each other, pew pew things. Coop multi-player is terrific.  The boss battles requires a tiny bit of team work, but it's almost like fighting Godzilla as from the point of view of a Japanese policeman. Lots of running and screaming while basically flinging pebbles at the boss' shiny glowy weak points.  It's a lot of fun in multi-player, but solo is a meh at best.
The w0rd: Coop is Holy Approved

Battlefield: Bad Company 2

I'll be real.  I didn't get into this game that much.  The mechanics are so familiar with every other modern warfare type of game out there that I could not find any appeal with it  The Battlefield series will always have a place in my heart as one of the PC's greatest shooters.  Battlefield 1942, Holy salutes you.  But the biggest draw to the battlefield series was the crazy large scale of battles and vehicle smacktardness. I understand the need for substance in a market where every Tom, Dick and Raoul can put out an FPS of some type. But I just couldn't dig it.  I did forgo the multi-player, which is my mistake. Perhaps at a later date, I will try it again.  If anyone still plays it.
The w0rd: Care.  I lacked it.

Alpha Protocol

This game was trying to do too many things.  It was trying to be a sneaky sneaky stealth action game(Which is a complete contradiction in my book) with a Dungeons & Dragons type of RPG system.  Which was kinda cool... I guess.  The thing is, the skill set required to basically play the game tended to favor entirely one way or the other.  It felt like a penalty trying to develop a character in the style that followed your creativity.  That in itself seemed to take away from a seemingly impressive RPG system. Overall, the game fell flat. It felt like you were always missing something when playing. The story was so generic and meh that I keep getting it confused with random action movies and James Bond plots.
The w0rd: No sir, I don't like it.

Super Mario Galaxy 2

I played through and finished the first one.  And I really enjoyed it.  Nintendo actually did a good job trying to tell more of a story with Mario Galaxy.  And they also added Rosalina.  Hey. Hey.  Let me tell you something.  I'd do her.  Oh yeah.  She's hawt. What the hell is Mario doing rescuing Peach?  Bitch's gotta be two timing it with Bowser.  With the amount that she's always kidnapped.  Once you go spikey shell you never go back?  Anyway.  Galaxy 2 was a huge let down for me.  Basically, the game starts off as if the 1st Mario Galaxy never happened.  WTF?  Can a brother get just a little fucking consistency between games?  No Rosalina? Smurf this.  I'm taking my ball and goin home. Oh wait, there's Yoshi?  Hmmmmm nawwww.  The game basically still plays the same as the original, and with the exception of a few new powerups, things are extremely rehashed.  I swear there's a couple bosses that were taken directly out of the first game.  Sorry Mario, dis a no go.
The w0rd: No Rosalina, no point.


This game always had me guessing "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE!?" It starts out in an apocalyptic setting and all this weird shit happens.  You're trying to save what looks to be your daughter from some shadow thing.  But then you get transported back to medievel times and you play as the same character and everything.  Combat in the game looks to be a hack and slash RPG type of game.  But when you start to delve deeper into the game play, it's actually more of a hack and slash RPG game meets a top down bullet shooter type game like Raiden(to use a popular top down shooter example). So you kinda spend a lot of time avoiding colored balls flying at your face.  Some people might like that.  I found it a little irritating. The world was kinda cool and expansive, but nothing out of the ordinary fantasy game setting.  Can't really say that I enjoyed Nier.  I ended up playing more just to figure out what the hell was going on.  Which I can maybe attest to either the strength of the weird story, or the failure on my part to think that there might be some good coming from this game.
The w0rd: I don't know why I played it. But I regret doing so.

Record of Agarest War

OH BOY LOOK AT THAT MOUSE PAD!  Hehehe.  But nawww.  Ima be real with everyone here.  I only played 3 hours of this game.  And I had to put it away.  I'm sorry, the days of "Tactics" RPGs have past me.  Sorry Nipponichi, no more money from me.  I have somehow been disillusioned by these games and cannot play them.  Maybe it's because they have become seemingly more and more complex, or maybe because they all start to blend together.  Back in the days of Final Fantasy Tactics and Front Mission 3, I saw these games as a new genre and innovative.  But as I have played more and more of them, I can now see that they are just a process in a machine that just churns these games out every so many years.   Add the cool abilities and what not, but they just cannot hold my interest anymore.  On a side note, google image search for "Record of Agarest War" brings up some sad things.
The w0rd: Done with these.


It's like playing Mario Kart and Need for Speed at the same time.  You drive cars you'd normally find in racing simulators.  But then you throw in crazy power ups that never really fit in the style.  They always look kinda neon and Tron-ish. Is that a good thing?  I dunno.  It was a decently fun game.  Had some variety as far as types of race modes.  You had standard racing with a bunch of motherfuckers that will always go out of their way to make you look retarded.  You'd have destruction derbies that would have you blow up a certain number of retarded people while racing around a track. There's one on one boss racing that requires some skill and knowledge that no matter what you do they will always be in a competitive position.  They're bosses after all.  No easy wins there.  Well... No REALLY easy wins.
The w0rd: Fuck blue shells.

3D Dot Game Heroes

This game is an 8-bit Legend of Zelda genre game.  It knows where it's roots come from and pays Homage to it while also taking jabs at games of yester-year.  It has a ton of customization possible for your avatar(because you can make your own).  The art style is definitely unique, it almost reminds me of Minecraft in many ways. Everything is meant to be blocky and old school 2D turned 3D. If you've been raised in the era of 8 bit gaming, then you'll enjoy the little inside jokes and cameos from old games. But as far as a game goes, it's more of the "Go here. Get that. Come Back here I have more shit for you to do."
The w0rd: It's to dangerous to go alone, don't take this.

Backbreaker Football

Yeahhhh... I thought it'd be cool to try it out.  Then I realized why I don't play sports games.  First off, I suck at it.  Secondly, even though I've played football, my experience was primarily at offensive line. And I for some strange ass reason, would rather play that position.  As boring as it sounds, it's the part of football that I learned and respect. It takes a certain kind of person to play on the Line.  But I'm digressing from the game. I guess the only other thing that I didn't really enjoy about it was the built-in Hawaii team. They were so shitty, I was almost offended.  But hey, everyone wants their own team to be overpowered.
The w0rd: Ready. Blue monkey donkey. Set!  MEH!

Red Dead Redemption

Read Wier's review. I agree with it.
The w0rd: John Marston Approved.

Sin & Punishment: Star Successor

It's the next generation of shooter games?  Well.  At least it kinda feels like that.  It's a rail shooter mixed with  a top down shooter. Well.... That would also be pretty inaccurate... It's like.... Space Harrier for the next generation.. Yeah, that's a better way of putting it.  Coop was decent.  Don't play this with a Wii-mote, it's god awful.
The w0rd: Jetpacks.  I has them.

Trinity Universe

It's a mish-mash game using the Nippon Ichi universe.  If you're a big fan of the universe, then you'll be in for a treat with countless cameos of characters from past Nippon Ichi games like Disgaea, Phantom Blade, Atelier Iris, and other games that I said PASS.  There's a lot of crap to do in the game, which is a plus.  But, I do feel like my need to play JRPGs is fading into what will be known as THE PAST.  The combat was turned based attack combo using a set amount of action points blah blah. I did not complete Trinity Universe. I put in about 4 hours into it.  At which I said, I swear I've done something like this before somewhere else.  And then I lost all motivation to continue.
The w0rd: Ohh... Ohhh! OHHH!!! And I don't care.

N3II: Ninety-Nine Nights

Hack... Slash... Hack... Slash.. New character... Hack... Slash... Yup...  I'd rather play this game with big robots... Perhaps ones from a particular popular anime series... Hmmmmmmm.... I dunno.... GUNDAM!?  But really, I wasn't expecting much from N3II.  And I was fulfilled in knowing that I was correct.
The w0rd: One button meh.

Fallout: New Vegas

Wier reviewed it.  I tried it. I mean, I REALLY tried it.  Like, 40 something hours tried.  But... I just didn't see what the big fucking deal was.  And this is not to the discredit of the game.  It was awesome.  I just didn't see the mouth frothing fanaticism that some people have with it.  But I see the roots of it and understand where the direct appeal is.  For fans of Dungeons & Dragons that really enjoy the freedom to flex their options and do whatever the fuck they want, this is a great series. For me, it's just not my cup of tea.
They w0rd: They like it.  I don't. ./shrug

Crackdown 2

This game got super fucked up from the first one.  There are still elements that are reminiscent of the first.  But now they pull the whole 180 dark side shit on you.  The agency goes from being a source of good and justice to being this big dark company that people are rebelling against.  Then there's this whole shit with zombie type things.  That's a serious WTF moment.  I guess every game now has to have fucking zombies in them.  Why? Because everyone loves killing zombies lololololo.  I still liked getting the super powers, but the mission based game play was meh.  Also vehicles aren't meant for driving in this game.  They are meant for throwing at big clumps of zombies.
The w0rd: Super Meh

Alan Wake

Story plays a big role in Alan Wake.  It does have elements of a Stephen King novel inherently built into it.  If I had to classify it, I would place it in the horror/survival  genre.  I mean, you're fighting against axe-wielding shadow killers from your books/imagination.  You can't fucking kill them!  You have to shine light on them to make them stop.  Once they're "REAL" you can shoot them.  But that only serves to slow them down and piss them off even more.  It's very mental in more ways than one.   I enjoyed the story.  But I hated crapping my pants.  Side note, Holy is completely worthless at horror games.  It be my only weakness.  I can play anything but Horror.  Cuz I'm a blubbering vagina when it comes to horror.  My rule is, if I can't kill it, I don't like it.  Shadow thingy, can't kill it.  Don't like it.
The w0rd: I think I crapped my pants.

Medal of Honor

Ahhh the Medal of Honor series takes their first steps into the Modern Warfare realm.  They didn't stray from reality though.  Medal of Honor was based on what is happening fo realz.  It does well to show the shittyness of the fighting that is currently happening in the world.  The game itself felt more of a tribute to the men and women that are serving in the military.  It does nothing to glorify war nor does it bastardize the soldiers.  It tries to keep things in perspective.  Then there's that whole shit of multi-player.  People went off the hook because unlike Call of Duty, they were actually calling the enemy faction "Taliban."  Under the context of the game, I can see why that was a natural decision.  However, I also see how that could ruffle a few feathers with the America public.  While some say it's just a name, others say it's symbolic and somewhere somehow Fox news is going to claim that playing video games makes you a terrorist. That whole multi-player debacle aside, it was a pretty good game.
The w0rd: Salute

Enslaved: Odyssey to the West

I must say I kinda enjoyed this game.  Combat was a bit simplistic, action adventure smash things.  The post apocalyptic setting, though overused, was done well. There's a bunch of robots that are killing/kidnapping people and just being assholes in general.  Some of the references to the Chinese story it was based on, Journey to the West, are really there in name only.  My, and many other gamers, gripe with Enslaved is the ending.  It honestly felt as if someone kicked out the budget for the game near the end and they had to somehow tie all the shit up and finish it.  The plot holes are fucking gigantic and the Matrix-ish ending only served to scratch your head and say WTF JUST HAPPENED!?
The w0rd: Holy Approves the first 3/4ths.

Kirby's Epic Yarn

Cute, simple fun.  It's fucking Kriby man.  How can you not like it?  The whole yarn thing is kinda weird.  The controls are nice and simple, definitely meant for kids.  The story elements are definitely something that kids will pickup and enjoy. Kriby gets to do all sorts of cool shit because he's made of yarn. And that greatly plays into the scenery and landscape of the game.  Rather than looking at the levels and world as solid things and more as a gigantic quilt is kinda cool.  However, after a few worlds, the gameplay does tire a bit and the platforming isn't nearly as fun or challenging when compared to something like the New Super Mario Brothers.
The w0rd: Good for the kids.  Foos.


Time traveling/manipulating super powered first person shooter.  Revolutionary? No.  Fun? Meh.  As the game progresses, you tend to rely less and less on your actual guns, and more so on your overpowering time hand thingy. Singularity is basically you fucking up the world by constantly going back in time and changing things.  Cryptic writings on the wall, written by who?  Probably yourself from a different time.  I actually liked a lot of the stylistic cold war soviet propaganda.  It was very vintage.  There is a slight horror aspect to the game.  These zombie things which like to pop up out of fucking nowhere and others that teleport around and enjoy being general dicks about it.
The w0rd: Time Machine meh.

Whew.  I didn't realize I played that many games through gamefly.  Then again, I am rotating through them pretty regularly.  Hopefully I don't have to batch them out again and I'll be more on it.... NAH.

1 comment:

  1. To clear confusion. The Kimura vs Mashiba fight was awesome in the anime. But the game made it retarded. Dragon fish punch yo.